MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO: So I think in January we should go all Freaky Friday for a day
Ryan: ?
LinzO: You know, like...switch lives? I have to go work (let's be real here, volunteer) somewhere for 4 hours and you need to go hang out with 2 kids for the day
LinzO: Which, surely someone you know has 2 kids they'd like a break from
Ryan: I'm not allowed to be within 150 feet of kids unsupervised.

Giving Spanks

Dear Ryan,
Thanks for being you. (also: I'm Oprah, you're Gayle. Don't ever forget that!)

Dear Blog Readers,
Thanks for following along and encouraging us on our endeavors. Would it be too much to ask to leave comments? Ryan and I have really low self-esteem so we need those on those nights where we're clutching our Cabbage Patch dolls and reverting back to thumb-sucking.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hey Guys! I love you! Yay for sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows!!!

No, the entire title of this entry is not a typo; I am a changed person! I swear!! (A lot, under my breath, at people who can't hear me--for the next 4 days). I guess, that upon looking at it, the title of this post makes me look like a fairy, and not just like the nice person I'm trying to be; ironically the former is exactly how I feel. I've taken being nice to a level that can't honestly be maintained by 99% of the earth's population. To the one percent who can maintain this honest level of nice, my hat's off to you; you're a patient, optimistic, kind, charitable, effing retard. So, nice work you Caspers of the living world, your uppins will come, just like they did for him.

In all of our previous competitions I have had definitive, well documented, advantages. Here's where this one goes awry: Throughout competition in my professional life it has behooved me to have a heart that's two sizes too small (think GOB from Arrrested Development), and to be apathetic to the plight of (all) others. Usually when Lindsey challenges me to something my first thought is, "Lindsey, your first mistake in thinking that you can compete with me is that you have a heart". I guess what I'm trying to say--in a less convoluted manner--is that I genuinely hate people, and this is tough.

Let me quickly list what idealistic Ryan hoped to gain from this competition:

-More friends

-Optimistic view--especially on the intelligence and compatibility of others as friends.

-Healthier outlook on own life

-People being mean to me (I feel like not nearly enough people are).

-A wife(?) What? Ten days should be enough right? Don't judge me.

Now, for what I have actually gained(?) from this competition:

-3 free meals--thanks guys!

-1 new friend that I may or may not care about, we'll see!

-Learned how to catch a feral rabbit and choke it to death, such a release! Thanks Miley Cyrus Rabbit, you'll be fondly remembered!

-Learned how to write "I hate you" in 17 different languages.

-Completely alienated all current friends to the point that they don't want to be around me anymore. This is fine, I really don't like them anyway, so yes, a gain.

Turns out that not many people like to be in the presence of nice Ryan. I guess I'm disappointed with my progress so far; however, I'm holding out hope that there will be some actual gain from this. I don't want this to be like the 31 times I've tried to start running as a daily routine only to throw up after the first 4-miler and swear it off--so much torture, no gain; you all know where I'm coming from on this. I'm not disappointed by my efforts though, I'm pretty sure I'm going to beat Lindsey handily in this comp.

Warning to all blog readers (my true friends): I will be going on what will be comparable to a steroid and meth induced Hulk rage the MINUTE this competition ends. I've commissioned an artist to depict what this will look like--he may have taken artistic liberties on my arms, but the rest is pretty accurate:

Jeez, You Say It Like Pathological Computer Use Is A Bad Thing....

Facebook post from me to Ryan today: "Just dropping in to tell you I think I may have turned a corner here on our challenge. Totally not even stressing anymore about any (all) info I'm missing. Really glad I found "Chicken Soup for the Internet Addicted Soul". (could you check my eBay for me? thanks)"

Well. This is pretttttty much true. Yes, I have an eBay account, that is true. Yes, Ryan has been checking on various items I'm trying to win (you can go ahead and ask him how many vintage blazers does one person need? He'll say a lot). Have I turned the proverbial corner on my challenge? I mean...to the tune of 80% certainty: sure.(said weakly and non-convincingly)

I kind of feel like this is the hardest challenge I've done so far. I think I would rather do another Recession Challenge than this challenge again. It's not so much that I'm, you know, ADDICTED to the computer, it's that I'm on frequently to check my email for any job prospects, catch up with friends via Faceboo---uh oh. It sounds like I'm knee deep in Stage 4 of Recovery: denial and excuse-making.

Hm. At this rate I should be heading into resentment and relapse tomorrow, and acceptance and abstinence by Friday. Perfect! (I can not WAIT for this Saturday when our challenge ends and I can go on an internet bender).

Until then: a cat throw up video.

1) The NSFL (Not Safe For Life). As it is with these cat throw up videos, I always end up with more questions than answers.
Is there some sort of silent human-animal communication going on that dude knew his cat would hurl 11 seconds after commencing videotaping? (which leads me to: do people ACTUALLY get this bored?)
Doesn't that guy sound like Rob Dyrdek?
Dude let out the most defeated, can't-be-bothered-with-this/totally-over-it sigh at the end of the video, I have no doubt that the cat vom pile stayed there for a day (or 6).
Is anyone able to watch this twice? If so, you're a better man/woman/hybrid than I.

Day 3: Freefalling Into Dilated Pupils, Goosebumps, Watery Eyes, Tremors, Panic Attacks and Insomnia....

1) Is it sad/strange I know the symptoms of heroin withdrawal without having to look it up? (HI MOM!!)

2) Reaaaaallly having a tough time filling my time without my trusty sidekick, Eva. (that's my laptops name).

3)How tough? I have completed my Christmas shopping for the season. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. This has reached epic proportions and I actually asked Ryan if I could forfeit the challenge last night. Strangely (probably because he's being "nice") he talked me off the ledge. You don't want to know the corrupt and humiliating things I'd for AN HOUR of internet time right now. It all seemed so easy 3(!!!) days ago.

4) Ryan is getting nicer by the minute and turning into everyone's golden child wonder boy, while I am struggling to see what the benefits are of MY challenge. More time to clean my bathroom floor with a toothbrush, or organize the kids clothes alphabetically by brand name?

5) I did pick up a new book today, however. It's called 'Push', which the new movie that is killing it in the box office and reviews 'Precious' is based off of. (I'm only going to assume it's "killing it" in the reviews as I CAN'T LOOK IT UP TO VERIFY).

6) Benjamin Button Kitty Vom. MAN do we have to wait FOREVER (:26 seconds) to see any sort of action on this vid. Which begs the question: Why was Whiskers being videotaped in the first place? Did the owner KNOW it was going to hurl? If so, how? And if they didn't know, dear god...WHY videotape your cat sitting there? It's not like you own a puma or a Bermese Mountain Lion. It's a cat. It's sitting there. Save your batteries, man!

Day 2: Segwaying Into Agitation, Anxiety, Muscle Aches, Runny Nose and Sweating...

I wonder what's going on in the world? 30 minutes is CLEARLY not enough time to really get a good grasp on things. I spent about 15 minutes reading this morning about 'Where The Wild Things Are' and 'This Is It' ticket sales in the box office. I need to be more efficient with my sites. Zooming in, gathering pertinent information, making mental notes (What is the stock market doing? Should I start storing large bills under my mattress? What's Kim Kardashian up to today?) and zooming out. (Too listless to even make a 'that's what he said' joke)

Seeing as how the majority of my communication with my friends are via instant messenger, Facebook and email - this is proving to be most difficult. I feel like EVERY one of my friends (spanning 3 states and 2 times zones, I'm a regular Carmen Sandiego) are planning to meet up at a secret location to party and dance the night away, and I will be the only one not there due to not getting the important message via internet. If this is the case may I just add something: I HOPE THE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER COMES AND RUINS ALL THE FUN YOU ALL ARE HAVING.

Really having a hard time. I hope Ryan yelled at someone today. That'll perk me up.

Sticking to my word in logging off (my calling card so to speak!) each post with a cat throw up video.

1)The Model. This cat never actually voms, however you wouldn’t know it judging by his reaction to these common household human foods.

I CAN BE NICE! I just wasn't today...

Soooo, I had a rough time today. Not like a crash and burn fail, more like an almost made it to the end of the race while small bits and pieces of sanity were falling off of me, nearly turning me into Michael Douglas's character from the movie Falling Down--early 90's pop culture reference, too obscure?

I will list my accomplishments for the day, as it was an eye opener for me on how hard it is to be genuinely nice:

-Told a friend that I enjoy spending time with them.

-Told Lindsey and Mr. Lindsey that I love them--via the internet, but still true.

-Told a friend I liked her jeans, 3 times; and no, not in a pervy, creepy, I'm staring at your ass type of way either (yes it was).

In the interest of brevity I'll just list the minimum. I did say a couple of mean things but said 6 more nice things to make up for them.

I DID find it necessary--usually even I don't even go this far--to tell a girl that when she made a certain facial expression, her eyebrows make her look like 50 cent, it felt really good; I should be all refreshed for tomorrow.

Canadian LinzO and Ryan

Ryan! Ry!!! Look! It's like the canadian, male, ugly version of us! (or are we just the american, co-ed, better looking version of them?)
Either way, Kenny v. Spenny - First One To Be Mean Loses

The value of friendship

Lindsey,in 2,000 words or more, tell me what our friendship means to you. This is kind of a make or break part of friendship with Ryan at 10 months, sorry I didn't warn you before we started this competition. These essays are something I like to keep in a file to look at when the dark thoughts come. 2,000 words or more. This counts toward your 30 minutes, and no copying and pasting weird poetry. Get this to me by tomorrow or I don't think we can be friends anymore, k?

PS This is not "mean"; this is medication I need for an acute self-esteem deficiency and ongoing trust issues.

Day 1.5: Moving Onto Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Chills, Tears

I'm going to need to get a hobby. For real. This is ridiculous.
WEBS!!! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!?!
Also I told Ryan I'm going to sign off every blog post with a cat throw up video (which means we should either see a huge spike or severe drop in readership).
Another thing: "nice" Ryan scares me.

1)The Cat Booty Dragger. Nice technique.

Day 1: Cold Turkey Heroin Withdrawal

Well this is going to be tough. I already used up my 30 minutes chatting with people on IM and not getting to CNN. What's going on today, world?! I dunno, guess I'll find out tomorrow. (this sucks)

November Challenge: The One Where We Try To Be Better At Life

Hey Trusty Readers!
It's been a little while, huh? I know, you probably thought Ryan and I had some horrible falling out and weren't speaking to each other anymore, thus letting the blog die a slow and painful web death. As much as the thought puts a smile to my face, we were actually using this time to come up with a new challenge for November!

OK ok ok, truth? THE TRUTH?!?! Ryan and I were sending Aerosmith our cover of "Walk This Way" since they are officially searching for a new lead singer to replace Steven Tyler after the band just got too sober and cognizant.

Now that's been sent (cross your fingers for us) we can concentrate on our November challenge. Ryan, as you saw below, is going to try to be.....nice. Before I tell you my challenge, can I just tell you how HILARIOUS the next 10 days is going to be for me, envisioning Ryan choking out nice words, armpit sweat forming when having to be part of conversations he doesn't want to be in and having to put a lid on his snark? I've know Ryan for...wow, going on 11 years now...and I would describe him as if the word 'surly' took a human form. I'm not quite sure how we managed to develop such a friendship. I can only surmise it's some form of Helsinki Syndrome (Stockholms more perplexing, scary, tone-deaf cousin). Ryan trying to be super nice on a daily basis is akin to watching Will Smith play a mentally retarded person for a movie. Ryan, you're Will freaking Smith and hearing you talk like a mentally retarded person is going to make us all laugh really, really, really hard.

Wait a minute, now I’m picturing it. And laughing out loud. Oh man, this is a sweet mental trailer-picture. "Nooo you do not have cankles! You look wonderful, is that a new culotte set?" Hehehehehe

So while Ryan is gathering up all his spare Snuggies in his house (~217) in order to avoid people/having to be nice, I'll be working on my own personal challenge. My personal November challenge is: 30 minutes of Internet a day. Whooooo, chile, I KNOW. I. KNOW. It's going to be hard. Super hard. I mean, I literally spend 4 hours on the computer a day. The kids go to sleep around 8pm, I'm a nightowl - do you know what that means? The world is at my fingertips in the form of Renaissance paintings, listening to classical concertos, and to ponder deep philosophical musings (with the occasional video (or 10) of dogs trying to escape blankets).

I think I have it broken down as such for the next 10 days:
* 10 minutes of CNN.com/World
* 10 minutes of Email
* 10 minutes of Facebook

I can't tell you how much pop culture related sites I'll be missing out on (more like WON'T tell you) but I will be sorely out of the loop for 10 days. If someone came up to me and told me Scott Baio and Jaleel White murdered Alf while Kirk Cameron filmed, I may think it was true.

If I go over 30 minutes in a day or Ryan says a single mean thing, that counts as a fail. Whoever has the most fails at the end, well...you know how it works.

Now if ya'll exsqueeeeze me I have about 11 videos of cats throwing up to look through. It's like you can almost will things into existance on the internet. Can I share 2 of them?

1) The Viral Vom. One could argue this was the cat puking video that started it all. It’s kittens, it’s vomit, it’s over 7 million views, and it is just so adorable.


2) The Slow Mo. If you close your eyes, it almost sounds like diving into a pool.


Galsh. I'm gonna miss you Interwebs. See you in 10 days! Wait for me...my...preciousssss.....

Prizes for Winning!

I don't want anyone to think for a second that there are not HYUGE prizes to be won for these competitions. For example: The recession challenge netted me an awesome surprise in the mail on a random Tuesday, You know what it was? Documents from Lindsey for me to notarize! Woohoo! Lindsey spared no expense in congratulating me for the win. Seriously though, if I don't get some kind of compensation for winning I'm sending my trained eagle Henry to hunt your ass down. Don't tempt him, he knows how to use the tools I've given him.

Henry right after I saved him from captivity in 1999 (take that Woodland Park Zoo!):

Our Attempts to Be Better (Than You)

To celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall Lindsey and I have come up with another intense challenge. I feel I have to mention the fall because it was not mentioned by any other source on the interweb. Go ahead, check Google, check Yahoo news, and really go to town and check Fox or CNN. History really isn't important though, it's just the window to our future right?

Phew, that was a high pedestal to be on; out of breath from the thin air up there. Our symbolic choice for this new competition had to be mentioned though, and should not be lost on you, the reader. In the same vein as bettering the world is where we find our next challenge: Bettering ourselves--which is, in Lindsey's mind, the world. I know what you're thinking right now: "How is bettering yourself in the minute ways I'm sure you guys have come up with in your peanut sized brains even comparable to a historic event like the fall of the wall?". Well, the world (America) is changed by small means, people, and events; and I assure you, we are VERY small people doing VERY small things.

Linz and I will have separate tasks, but a way to score each that will (hopefully) be equivalent in difficulty to the respective person. Our challenge will go for 10 days, and will in the end serve to make us better people (than you). My challenge is to be nice. If you know me at all, or have read any single post in this blog, you know that this is quite a step for me(and just think, I really like Lindsey). I don't know when I became a mean person; however, I do know that if I was acquainted with an exact replica of me I would never be friends with that guy. As simply "being nice" was too vague for an actual challenge, I went ahead and quantified the "nice" goals I have to meet:

-I will say three nice things per day to people I encounter.

-These nice things will not be trite, dishonest, or backhanded (dammit). This will be the toughest part: Full on honest and nice things.

-I can not say three nice things to myself (about myself) while standing in front of the mirror for 45 minutes after the morning ritual--it's part of my morning routine, what?

-I can not say anything mean, either to, or about anyone. Should I happen to say something mean, I have to say three more nice things throughout the course of that day.

-This encompasses all forms of communication, written, spoken, typed, or pantomimed.

-I will try to make small daily posts recounting my new improved self, or reactions from others should there be any.

-I will most likely have to take out my accrued hatred of people throughout the day on imaginary people, this is acceptable.

Both of us have some serious will power, and you've seen how much Linz hates to lose (think Mike Tyson with ear in mouth); I think this will be a good competition. Of course if it does end in a tie, the tie will go to the reigning champ just like in Rocky 1. Regardless of the winner, this should be entertaining for all--not me as I will suffer from massive cognitive dissonance throughout the challenge.

Sit back and watch my transformation from this:



To this:



I really appreciate all your support and reading of the blog! *shudder*

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO says:
I'm trying to think back if I ever changed his diaper
If so, I'm not accepting his friend request

Question: What's Wrong With Ryan?

The below picture is one of Ryan's absolute favorite pieces. What do you think this means? What does this say about him? Are you officially deleting him as a Facebook friend now?
Leave your comments and we'll choose the best one.

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO: So I was like....dude, Ryan would love her. So Drew comes in to scope and we order lunch
LinzO: She starts haggling me about my veggie wedge I want to order saying they don't serve it after 11:30
LinzO: Ry, it was 11:42
Ryan: Haha
Ryan: Veggie wedge
Ryan: Give her a second shot!
LinzO: Like would. not. budge.
Ryan (your words)
LinzO: Seriously? I come in every morning ordering multiple drinks, fresh pressed OJ and you're busting my veggie wedge balls over 12 minutes?
LinzO: You may appreciate that sort of tenacity in a mate, I don't know
Ryan: Really you lost me at coffee shop.

I'm out of synonyms for "Win/Winning", help!

I knew when we started this competition driven blog that I was going to run out of ways to gloat; however, I didn't expect that time to come so quickly. To my doubters (AKA those who voted for Linz): You know her right? I presented empirical evidence of her heroin like addiction to talking on the phone along with the lack of self control to get to even step one in the recovery process. I don't know how to sway you any more; but believe me I will NOT stop trying. Until the next competition go ahead and wallow in your failure stew, and close your mouths while you're breathing.

I wanted to break down this competition with a (very) short analysis. We started this on Monday, Lindsey's first two calls were used that morning to speak with her doc. Now normally you would think, "Maybe we should forgive those two, I mean her doctor, that could be life threatening stuff". You would be incorrect in thinking that's how these calls went down, they were more like this:

Doctor: Lindsey, I'm afraid what you have is an inoperable attraction to shiny objects sickness, sorry.

Linz: Ooooooh, did you SEEEE Gossip Girl last night? Cuhrazy huh?!

Doctor: Well, no, but...This is quite serious, we want to perform a couple more tests...

Linz: Speidi is killing me right now! I don't think Massengill makes a bigger douche than them together.

Doctor:...

Understand that this is merely a representation of how the conversation went, 2 or 3 of the words may be interchangeable, and know that it went on for at least 15 minutes like this. The second phone call broke the superficial barrier and went right to Suri Cruise's new hairdo I'm sure.

As for me, I changed my number two months ago and I can count on two hands how many people have it (also I can count on two fingers how many people call it), I missed a couple calls (sorry Mom!), but surprisingly didn't lose any friends. I say "surprisingly" because I think 90% of my friends are just looking for that last straw to break the camel's back of our friendship.

This victory is bittersweet for me because having won last month, and consequently having listened to "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito 493 in succession, I could only listen to it once this month. I will now post the video for you, my loyal supporters. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed for listening to the whole thing, 4,000,000 YouTube viewers can't be--and aren't--wrong about how great this song is:

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1st Is Worst, 2nd Is Best, 3rd Is The One With The Hairy Chest

Hey look ya'll, it's me up there ^^, forlornly clutching on to a fence next to the words 'The Art of Losing' because, welp, I lost Phone Challenge '09. As a recap, the challenge was first to make/take 3 calls or texts loses. VERY difficult. I took 2 calls from my doctor on Monday, and during a sleep deprived moment Saturday morning called my friend to wish him a Happy Birthday, temporarily forgetting about the newest battle I was embroiled in with Ryan.

Something you should know about me (other than that there is NO sunrise worth waking me up at 5:45am to go see) is that I hate losing. I technically lost on Saturday, but have been looking at pictures of pgymy hedgehogs, pigs in beds (usually with a swine flu joke attached, ahahahHA HA HA) and videos of teenagers losing their wigs over New Moon trailers to make myself feel better (in general and in life).

Ryan has proven himself to be quite the (hermetic, anti-social, reclusive) challenge partner, but through it all we remain steadfast friends, no matter what he says. The common brown forest fox does not have a lot in common with the artic snow fox, and yet they can be friends. America, are you watching?

To: Ryan, Fm: LinzO Part 2

(sigh) Kudos, Ryan. KUDOS. I tip my teeny tiny squirrel-sized fedora to you! (with understandably less enthusiasm then the first squirrel hat tip)

MSN Moment of the Day

Ryan: Gosh, my mind is still swimmy; this is probably what people from Enumclaw feel like all the time eh? I can actually tell I'm not on point, that I'm lacking some serious wit and intellect.
Ryan: And I have the hiccups.
LinzO: Are you trying to be witty and intellectual to chat with me, because I'm literally cleaning my nose right now with my finger and reading about Balloon Boy and his crazy family

MSN Moment of the Day

Linz says:
Gosh people love me in the polls, don't they?
I'm like Obama and you're Kucinich
Ryan says:
People are idiots yes.

MSN Moment of the Day

Ryan says:
It's sooo windy here today
And blustery rainy action goin on.
Linz says:
It's rainy here too
I love windy Seattle days
So fun for biking or jogging
Ryan says:
Alone

October Challenge: X & Y vs. The Phone

Cell phones. Can't live without 'em, and can't live without 'em. EVERYONE has a cell phone. The ability to keep in touch with family, business associates, access to email, and up-to-minute updates from TMZ.com make cell phones the must have item for modern society. Case in point: my 8 and 5 year old would clamor over Ryan when he would come over, not because they were excited to see him (let's not be crazy here) -but because they wanted to play games on his iPhone. Even kids younger than 5 get PlaySkools 'My First Cell Phone' along with pretend plastic keys to their Tonka Hummer.
This all begs the question: "How Did We As A Society Ever Survive Before Cell Phones?"
Uhhh, easy. Pagers? Pay phones? Actually, you know, WAITING to talk to the person? However, I must say I don't even know where to FIND said pay phones anymore--other than inside of a medium security penal institution (worst.boyfriend.ever). How much do payphones even cost now? $2.75? Do they have slots for credit cards?? So many questions--which I may end up finding the answer.
After a long process of elimination, Ryan and I have decided on our October Challenge. (yes, we're still talking even though I lost Recession Challenge '09-"Lindsey" is Yiddish for "one who forgives after monetary reimbursement").

OCTOBER CHALLENGE: Whoever Takes 3 Calls First Loses
The rules are really simple - no texting, no making calls or no receiving calls.
We get 3 life-lines, as I call it. 3 calls we are able to make or take.
We're able to check messages, but from now until someone reaches Unlucky #3 it's going somewhat old school. Using work phones(don't know if this even applies to Ryan. Watching kitten Youtube vids or Filipino prisoners dancing to 'I Want It That Way' does NOT constitute as work), IM'ing and emails.
All gloves are off and I've already had someone prank text him pretending to be from his bank and saying it's urgent he call them back. (To his credit, he didn't fall for it. Doubt he's the only American right now avoiding calls from their bank, am I right?)

As for me, I've been missing calls left and right today. Fortunately nothing that I can't just email or IM a response, but you know what? Bob doesn't take too kindly when he calls me for information and I don't pick up:

MSN Moment of the Day

Linz says:
Shiz
This is gonna be tough
Ryan says:
Huh?
Linz says:
Our challenge
I feel like the Corn Challenge would've been easier a bit
Ryan says:
Not really much of a challenge there though, and as far as social relevance goes?
Plus if I ever go for political office I don't need racism AND corn poo to hold me back.

Phone Challenge '09

As evidenced by our previous "MSN Moment of the Day" post, Lindsey and I have frantically (>2 minutes a day brainstorming) been trying to come up with a new challenge to appease our massive readership. As you can see all of the ideas are really (really) stupid, and coincidentally all of the ideas are Lindsey's (Corn Challenge? WTF?!). Being that I'm very new to blogging and have the imagination of a creativity repressed communist, she is the idea factory, and I am the filter. However, one of us--I honestly don't remember which--finally came up with a new challenge that is a win-win for me, and absolutely crippling to Linz.

The challenge goes like this: The first person to make or receive three phone calls loses. Pretty basic right? We threw away the idea of a single elimination competition as it could end as quickly as it starts: Lindsey as an over coddling mother takes (emergency) call from her kids, weak, orrrr Ryan takes that call he's waiting for from Kate Beckinsale (or comparable other), awesome. The challenge applies to text messages as well. There are more T's and C's for this competition; however, for the life of me, I can't remember them. I'll let Linz go over the rest of the boring parameters for the challenge, she's better at it. I now have a great reason, documented by the never-lying interweb, to not talk on the phone, I can't imagine a better "challenge".

Now this competition is already off to a great start in the polls: 1 vote for Ry, 1 vote for Linz; this is amazing because we hadn't announced the criteria for the challenge before these votes were tabulated. I wonder who voted for me--Go Ryan!!1one11. Before you (the educated public) vote on this one, I suggest you take a look at this crude representation of how much Linz calls people/talks on the phone:

MSN Moment of The Day

Linz says:
So where'd you land on the Showering Challenge?
Ryan says:
Hell no
Ryan says:
Get a job and we'll talk about it
Linz says:
Fine. Who Can Lose The Most Weight In A Week?
Linz says:
If we did gaining, I could just choose my period week and beat you without even having to work
Ryan says:
I can see me not eating for like 5 days to win this though.
Linz says:
I can see me ordering a Brazilian stomach parasite to win it
Linz says:
Who can eat the most corn until their poo is ACTUALLY CORN (pics required)?
Ryan says:
I don't even know where you came up with that, but I swear sometimes you have Down's
Linz:
I catch your affectionate tone

Compensating

Things I bought when Recession Challenge 2009 was over:

1. Cinnamon Clove Bud Home Fragrance
2. Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin Foaming Hand Soap
3. 2 Cd's called 'P.S., I Love You' (on sale from $12.50 for $5!!)
4. Sushi
5. And this:

MSN Moment of the Day

Ryan says:
I can't run around looking and smelling like ass.
My potential mates can leave me pretty easily, yours requires lawyers, court dates, and separation of assets.

To: Ryan, Fm: LinzO

Kudos, Ryan. KUDOS. I tip my teeny tiny squirrel-sized fedora to you!

Final Tally: WEEK 4

Legions of Fans,

Sorry we were so lax updating last week. Donatella Versace as my witness, I was waiting for Ryan to post his Week 4 totals so he wouldn't CHEAT when he saw my totals. Honest. So blame him. I do (as usual).

To the 23 people (not counting myself and my mom) who voted for me: I have some bad news. I underestimated Ryan's solitude and reclusive ways, clearly. Apparently next time I am to have this challenge, I need to choose someone with a similar social structure -- one that involves a little more than work, the occasional hike and waiting for Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' tickets to go on sale.

On to Week 4 Totals:

Subway: $3.00 (veggie sub)
Zen Sushi: $5.95 (lunch)
Borders: $2.80 (latte)

Total: $11.75

I admit, if I had come at Recession Challenge '09 like this out of the gate, Ryan would be shaking in his stained, ripped Hanes boxers. I heard it takes 2 weeks to become acclimated to something new (literally have heard this uttered, maybe even in jest, ONCE 10 years ago and continue to repeat this as fact).

Somehow, though, I still feel like a winner.(half heartedly thrusts fist in air)
I feel like it's made me more conscious about money, how I spend it, where and on what. There's so much more of a definitive 'Want vs. Need' mentality when I go to purchase something now. That has to be good, right?! If this economic crash and resulting recession has taught us anything, it's that people's mentalities have to change. The one with the most toys at the end of the day doesn't win. The one with the flies following him because he's not showering to conserve water does! Declining property values, increasing divorces, more people living in smaller spaces, immigration's slowing, less health insurance, blah blah blah....recessions are predictable. I, for one, am enjoying my stance on Frugal Mountain, ready to propel down CheapLikeWoah Cliffs.

Our social experiment may be over, but make no mistake - we are still in the midst of a hopeless, soul-sucking economic decline. 254,000 private sector job losses in September. Put that trend in your pipe and smoke it.

Sustainable spending habit changes?

I'd like to preface this entry with an apology: Lindsey has been super lazy with writing the final post for our competition, and I want to apologize on her behalf. This, you may think should not be an excuse for me to have not written MY final entry; however, I have my reasons: 1. Lindsey cheats, more on this later 2. I just properly used a colon and semicolon in the same sentence, please don't try this, you will fail. 3. Lindsey's laziness affects me negatively, it's very hard to pull people up, much easier for her to drag me down 4. I've been all jacked up on coke all week and couldn't actually write anything that had a semblance of continuity or humility, this is also Lindsey's fault. 5. Lindsey promised me that we'd both be on Larry King playing softball by this time for some huge scandal coming from our stardom as a result of our blog, she lied, I have received no phone calls from Larry's crew. You can see how all of these factors--all Lindsey's fault--could result in neglecting the blog.

I'm not going to spice this up with anything clever, or witty, I just want to say that I kicked Lindsey's ass. Unless she managed to spend negative money in the last week or so, she lost. To her supporters: You all knew the faster horse in this race would be me--you knew it, no need to lie to be nice--yet you still voted for the loser. What drives people to do this? This is the kind of lying to ourselves that put America in a recession in the first place. Do yourselves a favor and never own a business, traits like friendship will get you--and America--nowhere, I hope that you have taken that--and only that--from this month's competition. Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Without further ado my totals:

Parking in Seattle: $5.00 (split 3 ways)
Being racist: $0.00
Winning this competition: $0.00
Not getting my car fixed (when I should have): $0.00

Subtotal: $5.00
Competition total: $96.01

Yes, you read it right, I spent less during the whole month than Lindsey did in week 2 of this competition. To celebrate my win, I need to come up with either: A. A way to punish the loser, or B: A gift from the loser. I have no idea what to choose for either option as Lindsey has blatantly refused to speak with a Vietnamese FOB accent for a week--something about alienating her family and friends?--and I have no other ideas. Do me a favor readers and offer up some suggestions, killing two birds with one stone here; I figure this will help us know if anyone is actually reading the blog, and it will solve my problem of having a non-creative mind when it comes to the reward/punishment.

I'm sure this has been the least I have ever spent in a month and I am looking forward to doing normal people things like going to movies, eating at restaurants, and driving places without worrying how many miles I have til I have to fill the tank; speaking of which, I hope you all noticed that my cheating competitor listed $0.00 for gas this entire month--is she now driving a turbine or nuclear reactor powered car? I don't know, I think it's more likely she cheated though. I suppose I can't blame her for not playing by the rules it's what her people do, See: Pearl Harbor bombing, driving, Genghis Khan, and Khmer Rouge for just a few (small) examples. Is this kind of spending sustainable, by either of us? That is an emphatic hell no; however, we are both trained in case someone challenges us to a "who can spend less" competition ever again--this will never happen.

Final money saving tip of the week (you get a 2fer this week): Save your bar soap slivers and putting them all in the mesh bag you get onions in. I take my old bar of soap and smash it into my new bar of soap, but saving the slivers so you can reconstitute it with other bars. Annnd, Macdonald's throws away lots of food they don't sell. A garbage bag full of fries is an instant party. You're welcome.

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO: OK my favorite thing
LinzO: Is when people blow up on Facebook
Ryan: Hehe ya
LinzO: Like...letting the WHOLE WORLD know what's irking them
Ryan: Because the whole world cares yo
Ryan: Or wait, is that nobody cares? Ya, that second one.
Ryan: I only blow my load to one person

This Would Be A Great Time For An Inspirational Sports Montage

Here we are, wrapping up Week 3 and well into Week 4. OK, yes, I totally sucked the first two weeks but WOW I think I really pulled it together this week. See what I think really helped inspire me was seeing how much faith our fans have in me. (Either that or you all loathe Ryan, totally understandable, he's like the human version of a cactus).
Not counting my own vote, and assuming my mother voted for me, that leaves 22 votes from people who genuinely believe I can take this home. (Don't ask me who Jake voted for, just know he has been sleeping on the couch for all of September.)So for that - thanks all! (Did I imply somewhere in a previous post you would get monetary reimbursement for voting for me? If someone could copy/paste that would be great.)

At this very moment I wish I watched sports so I could equate this to some fantastic underdog win, but as it stands I only watch curling. On to the totals!

Zen Sushi: $8.00 (lunch + tip)
24-Hour Fitness: $2.25 (bottled water)

TOTAL: $10.25

Can I get a what-what repeat and give you guys a moment to wipe off your computer screens and make sure you're reading that right?

TOTAL: $10.25

ZZZZZOOOMGGGG YES! YES! YES!
If ya'll could see me now, I am fist pumping and doing the dance of joy (p.s. I'm Balki, Ryan is Larry) Right now Ryan is Taylor Swift and I am Kanye, stealing his thunder and it feels so good!

Granted, this wasn't an epic sweep by any means, but it was a sweep for me - no matter how small. This is not to say it was an easy week, either. In fact, it totally sucked. I'm using the kids shampoo, my eyebrows need a wax like you wouldn't believe, and I also wasn't able to help my Nigerian prince friend cash his check or wire him money this month---his dad is in trouble, what?! (sorry Prince Obafemi! October, ok?)

It will be interesting to see how this week plays out. We're already to Wednesday, and in the spirit of competition I won't divulge how much I've spent so far, but let's just say when a bedraggled, overgrown eyebrowed, stinky, hungry woman wins - you'll know who was better this week.

I'm usually super snarky on the current economic state and would use this part of my post to say how we're all broke, enjoying articles called "What Former Rich People Are Up To", crowding our families into small apartments, blowing our emergency cash wad on suits and scoffing when Bernake says the recession is over (uhhh...Ben? Can I call you Ben? We're scoffing because we'd love to join the party but we're all too broke to afford the party hats.)....but right now I just can't.

I'll leave you with a visual representation of how I feel this week:

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO: You see that kid who cries blood?
LinzO: Awesooommmeeeeeeeee
LinzO: I would love to cry and have it be like SawIV
Ryan: I saw that, in Africa or something ya?
LinzO: Tennessee
LinzO: Close
Ryan: Knew it was somewhere 3rd world

Will work for toiletry items...

I'm pretty sure it took us both about three weeks to get warmed up and full on into recession spending. Apparently three weeks is all it takes to learn a new talent (recession spending) when you are a lazy ass who only works 20 hours a week (me), or a drain on society that works 0 hours a week (guess who!). My adversary and I had some time to chat this week and are both worried these spending habits may continue into the next month, and for months to come. You may not see why this is a bad thing; however I have prepared a couple of examples to help out:

What I wanted to buy this week: Pureology shampoo and Conditioner: $42.95
What I should have bought instead: Pert Plus: $3.99
What I did buy: Nothing, resulting in serious hair grease, and an interesting smell

What I wanted to buy this week: Clinique 3 step kit: $50.50
What I should have bought instead: Lever 2000 bar(s) $.99
What I did buy: Nothing, resulting in scientifically unexplained smell, and overall oiliness

What I wanted to buy this week: New CBR1000RR: $11,999.00
What I should have bought instead: Used CBR1000RR: : Approx $6000-10,000
What I did buy: Gas: $5.00

Oh the things we have to sacrifice! Woe is me. You can see the downside to these spending habits, which is naturally causing us both worry. Don't cry for us masses, I have an expensive haircut booked for Oct. 2nd, and Lindsey is probably going to put an offer on France (yes the country) on the 1st. We appreciate your concern; but we will make it back to the top from the dregs of society where we've been spending this last month.

Before I post my tally for the week, I'd like to give a shoutout to all the homeless people who offered me money, food, deodorant, advice, and a place to stay this week: Thanks Sam, Joe, Richard, Marie, and Dawn (names changed to protect the identities). Who says convicted level 3 sexual offenders can't be a benefit to society/me? Can't wait to try out the tricks I learned with rat meat, duct tape, empty Jack bottles, and pee stained cardboard this week!

Mah numbers this week:

Cover charge at DTK bar for NONP show: $5.00, also cost me part of my soul, I hate DTK.
Parking at Marymoor Park: $1.00
Gas: $5.00

Total: $11.00

Ah, this week I painted my Sistine Chapel ceiling of cheapness, I'm proud. Don't worry friends, just one more week and I'll be back to normal antisocial, people/self hating, money spending Ryan.

Money saving tip of the week :What are you doing?! Are you washing your jeans?! Underwear needs to be washed, socks need to be washed, sweaters need to be washed (debatable), jeans have an infinite life without washing. Save money, save water, save your conscience, don't wash your jeans (except in cases of severe mudbutt). Glad I could bring this blog down a notch with my musings.

Random Musing

Dear Ryan,
Does it hurt you that people have so much more faith in me than you? Polls don't lie (except for any and all from Fox News and CNN), but wow. Are your cheeks stained with hot, salty tears everytime you see those numbers?

Forever Friends,
Lindsey

MSN Moment of the Day

Linz says:
Bernake said today the recession is over
Linz says:
Is it sad I don't trust him because he has a beard?
Linz says:
(also pretty sure he means over for richies, but ok)
Ryan says:
I think it's sad to assume the entire country is a microeconomy.
Ryan says:
Because you can be damn sure it won't be over in Idaho for a long time.
Ryan says:
And plenty of other places too.
Ryan says:
Plus that guy has a beard
Linz says:
"From a technical perspective, the recession is very likely over at this point," he said, adding that "it's still going to feel like a very weak economy for some time, as many people will still find that their job security and their employment status is not what they wish it was."
Linz says:
Technical perspective = rich folks with beards

Ryan's awesome music; take 1:

Not really a fan of Tegan And Sara, Tiesto did some good things to this track though. Nice mellow goodness, like country apple pie on a Sunday morning in Alabama--I guess.

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO says:
I need so much stuff, it's stupid. I am running out of face wash, I need shampoo, we're running low on foaming hand soap (real), I need a new snorkel set and an underwater flashlight
Ryan says:
"I need a new snorkel set and an underwater flashlight"
Ryan says:
Good thing you live in America?
LinzO says:
Lobster season starts this week, mmmkkkk

This is us, not making fun of poor folk:

Linz, at this point even Obama would tell you, “No you can’t”. The idea of this competition is to modify our lifestyle to try to spend less. Basically this means that while I’m stealing soap from Motel 8’s, and siphoning gasoline from cars in parking garages, you can’t be buying designer blazers. I just want to point out to all of you who voted for Linz in our Recession Poll ’09, that you can actually change your vote (this is at you Linz’s mom); unless of course you like losing.

Economists right now are pointing toward an upturn in the economy coming slowly but surely; what does this mean to the average consumer? I’m going to use the “Caps Lock” key here just to emphasize: IT MEANS JACK S**T! I actually just held down the “Shift” key whilst typing that, I lied. Do yourselves a favor and follow my spending habits, and you will experience economic freedom—at the expense of personal hygiene, fun, losing friends, girls/guys, and health.

Spending account tabulation Week 2:

Gas: $37.50

Work Lunch: $11.52 (includes tip, yes 15%!)

Sabor a México (dinner): $16.24 (again, tip included)

Week 2 Total: $65.26

Spending on gas was unavoidable; I went quite a few places this week. Work lunch, I didn’t expect to eat anything; but it was former boss’s last day, I had a bowl of chili in her honor. Dinner at the classy Sabor a México was necessary to keep what friends I have left after starting this challenge. It ended up coming right out the same way it came in about 6 hours later (see: food poisoning from shady Mexican restaurant), so I considered not counting it in the grand total. This week marks the first time I have ever ordered just water at a dining establishment, it will not become a permanent habit.

Exhibit A:

Money saving tip of the week: With rocketing inflation, it's time to resurrect the fine art of haggling. Why not go "mano a mano" with those little credit card machines in the stores? After the register has tallied your purchases and the credit card machine screen asks, "Is $231.98 okay?" don't just press the "okay" button like a sissy, make a deal! Start your counteroffer at $17.54 and test your money-saving mettle.