MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO: So I think in January we should go all Freaky Friday for a day
Ryan: ?
LinzO: You know, like...switch lives? I have to go work (let's be real here, volunteer) somewhere for 4 hours and you need to go hang out with 2 kids for the day
LinzO: Which, surely someone you know has 2 kids they'd like a break from
Ryan: I'm not allowed to be within 150 feet of kids unsupervised.

Giving Spanks

Dear Ryan,
Thanks for being you. (also: I'm Oprah, you're Gayle. Don't ever forget that!)

Dear Blog Readers,
Thanks for following along and encouraging us on our endeavors. Would it be too much to ask to leave comments? Ryan and I have really low self-esteem so we need those on those nights where we're clutching our Cabbage Patch dolls and reverting back to thumb-sucking.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hey Guys! I love you! Yay for sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows!!!

No, the entire title of this entry is not a typo; I am a changed person! I swear!! (A lot, under my breath, at people who can't hear me--for the next 4 days). I guess, that upon looking at it, the title of this post makes me look like a fairy, and not just like the nice person I'm trying to be; ironically the former is exactly how I feel. I've taken being nice to a level that can't honestly be maintained by 99% of the earth's population. To the one percent who can maintain this honest level of nice, my hat's off to you; you're a patient, optimistic, kind, charitable, effing retard. So, nice work you Caspers of the living world, your uppins will come, just like they did for him.

In all of our previous competitions I have had definitive, well documented, advantages. Here's where this one goes awry: Throughout competition in my professional life it has behooved me to have a heart that's two sizes too small (think GOB from Arrrested Development), and to be apathetic to the plight of (all) others. Usually when Lindsey challenges me to something my first thought is, "Lindsey, your first mistake in thinking that you can compete with me is that you have a heart". I guess what I'm trying to say--in a less convoluted manner--is that I genuinely hate people, and this is tough.

Let me quickly list what idealistic Ryan hoped to gain from this competition:

-More friends

-Optimistic view--especially on the intelligence and compatibility of others as friends.

-Healthier outlook on own life

-People being mean to me (I feel like not nearly enough people are).

-A wife(?) What? Ten days should be enough right? Don't judge me.

Now, for what I have actually gained(?) from this competition:

-3 free meals--thanks guys!

-1 new friend that I may or may not care about, we'll see!

-Learned how to catch a feral rabbit and choke it to death, such a release! Thanks Miley Cyrus Rabbit, you'll be fondly remembered!

-Learned how to write "I hate you" in 17 different languages.

-Completely alienated all current friends to the point that they don't want to be around me anymore. This is fine, I really don't like them anyway, so yes, a gain.

Turns out that not many people like to be in the presence of nice Ryan. I guess I'm disappointed with my progress so far; however, I'm holding out hope that there will be some actual gain from this. I don't want this to be like the 31 times I've tried to start running as a daily routine only to throw up after the first 4-miler and swear it off--so much torture, no gain; you all know where I'm coming from on this. I'm not disappointed by my efforts though, I'm pretty sure I'm going to beat Lindsey handily in this comp.

Warning to all blog readers (my true friends): I will be going on what will be comparable to a steroid and meth induced Hulk rage the MINUTE this competition ends. I've commissioned an artist to depict what this will look like--he may have taken artistic liberties on my arms, but the rest is pretty accurate:

Jeez, You Say It Like Pathological Computer Use Is A Bad Thing....

Facebook post from me to Ryan today: "Just dropping in to tell you I think I may have turned a corner here on our challenge. Totally not even stressing anymore about any (all) info I'm missing. Really glad I found "Chicken Soup for the Internet Addicted Soul". (could you check my eBay for me? thanks)"

Well. This is pretttttty much true. Yes, I have an eBay account, that is true. Yes, Ryan has been checking on various items I'm trying to win (you can go ahead and ask him how many vintage blazers does one person need? He'll say a lot). Have I turned the proverbial corner on my challenge? I mean...to the tune of 80% certainty: sure.(said weakly and non-convincingly)

I kind of feel like this is the hardest challenge I've done so far. I think I would rather do another Recession Challenge than this challenge again. It's not so much that I'm, you know, ADDICTED to the computer, it's that I'm on frequently to check my email for any job prospects, catch up with friends via Faceboo---uh oh. It sounds like I'm knee deep in Stage 4 of Recovery: denial and excuse-making.

Hm. At this rate I should be heading into resentment and relapse tomorrow, and acceptance and abstinence by Friday. Perfect! (I can not WAIT for this Saturday when our challenge ends and I can go on an internet bender).

Until then: a cat throw up video.

1) The NSFL (Not Safe For Life). As it is with these cat throw up videos, I always end up with more questions than answers.
Is there some sort of silent human-animal communication going on that dude knew his cat would hurl 11 seconds after commencing videotaping? (which leads me to: do people ACTUALLY get this bored?)
Doesn't that guy sound like Rob Dyrdek?
Dude let out the most defeated, can't-be-bothered-with-this/totally-over-it sigh at the end of the video, I have no doubt that the cat vom pile stayed there for a day (or 6).
Is anyone able to watch this twice? If so, you're a better man/woman/hybrid than I.

Day 3: Freefalling Into Dilated Pupils, Goosebumps, Watery Eyes, Tremors, Panic Attacks and Insomnia....

1) Is it sad/strange I know the symptoms of heroin withdrawal without having to look it up? (HI MOM!!)

2) Reaaaaallly having a tough time filling my time without my trusty sidekick, Eva. (that's my laptops name).

3)How tough? I have completed my Christmas shopping for the season. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. This has reached epic proportions and I actually asked Ryan if I could forfeit the challenge last night. Strangely (probably because he's being "nice") he talked me off the ledge. You don't want to know the corrupt and humiliating things I'd for AN HOUR of internet time right now. It all seemed so easy 3(!!!) days ago.

4) Ryan is getting nicer by the minute and turning into everyone's golden child wonder boy, while I am struggling to see what the benefits are of MY challenge. More time to clean my bathroom floor with a toothbrush, or organize the kids clothes alphabetically by brand name?

5) I did pick up a new book today, however. It's called 'Push', which the new movie that is killing it in the box office and reviews 'Precious' is based off of. (I'm only going to assume it's "killing it" in the reviews as I CAN'T LOOK IT UP TO VERIFY).

6) Benjamin Button Kitty Vom. MAN do we have to wait FOREVER (:26 seconds) to see any sort of action on this vid. Which begs the question: Why was Whiskers being videotaped in the first place? Did the owner KNOW it was going to hurl? If so, how? And if they didn't know, dear god...WHY videotape your cat sitting there? It's not like you own a puma or a Bermese Mountain Lion. It's a cat. It's sitting there. Save your batteries, man!

Day 2: Segwaying Into Agitation, Anxiety, Muscle Aches, Runny Nose and Sweating...

I wonder what's going on in the world? 30 minutes is CLEARLY not enough time to really get a good grasp on things. I spent about 15 minutes reading this morning about 'Where The Wild Things Are' and 'This Is It' ticket sales in the box office. I need to be more efficient with my sites. Zooming in, gathering pertinent information, making mental notes (What is the stock market doing? Should I start storing large bills under my mattress? What's Kim Kardashian up to today?) and zooming out. (Too listless to even make a 'that's what he said' joke)

Seeing as how the majority of my communication with my friends are via instant messenger, Facebook and email - this is proving to be most difficult. I feel like EVERY one of my friends (spanning 3 states and 2 times zones, I'm a regular Carmen Sandiego) are planning to meet up at a secret location to party and dance the night away, and I will be the only one not there due to not getting the important message via internet. If this is the case may I just add something: I HOPE THE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER COMES AND RUINS ALL THE FUN YOU ALL ARE HAVING.

Really having a hard time. I hope Ryan yelled at someone today. That'll perk me up.

Sticking to my word in logging off (my calling card so to speak!) each post with a cat throw up video.

1)The Model. This cat never actually voms, however you wouldn’t know it judging by his reaction to these common household human foods.

I CAN BE NICE! I just wasn't today...

Soooo, I had a rough time today. Not like a crash and burn fail, more like an almost made it to the end of the race while small bits and pieces of sanity were falling off of me, nearly turning me into Michael Douglas's character from the movie Falling Down--early 90's pop culture reference, too obscure?

I will list my accomplishments for the day, as it was an eye opener for me on how hard it is to be genuinely nice:

-Told a friend that I enjoy spending time with them.

-Told Lindsey and Mr. Lindsey that I love them--via the internet, but still true.

-Told a friend I liked her jeans, 3 times; and no, not in a pervy, creepy, I'm staring at your ass type of way either (yes it was).

In the interest of brevity I'll just list the minimum. I did say a couple of mean things but said 6 more nice things to make up for them.

I DID find it necessary--usually even I don't even go this far--to tell a girl that when she made a certain facial expression, her eyebrows make her look like 50 cent, it felt really good; I should be all refreshed for tomorrow.

Canadian LinzO and Ryan

Ryan! Ry!!! Look! It's like the canadian, male, ugly version of us! (or are we just the american, co-ed, better looking version of them?)
Either way, Kenny v. Spenny - First One To Be Mean Loses

The value of friendship

Lindsey,in 2,000 words or more, tell me what our friendship means to you. This is kind of a make or break part of friendship with Ryan at 10 months, sorry I didn't warn you before we started this competition. These essays are something I like to keep in a file to look at when the dark thoughts come. 2,000 words or more. This counts toward your 30 minutes, and no copying and pasting weird poetry. Get this to me by tomorrow or I don't think we can be friends anymore, k?

PS This is not "mean"; this is medication I need for an acute self-esteem deficiency and ongoing trust issues.

Day 1.5: Moving Onto Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Chills, Tears

I'm going to need to get a hobby. For real. This is ridiculous.
WEBS!!! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!?!
Also I told Ryan I'm going to sign off every blog post with a cat throw up video (which means we should either see a huge spike or severe drop in readership).
Another thing: "nice" Ryan scares me.

1)The Cat Booty Dragger. Nice technique.

Day 1: Cold Turkey Heroin Withdrawal

Well this is going to be tough. I already used up my 30 minutes chatting with people on IM and not getting to CNN. What's going on today, world?! I dunno, guess I'll find out tomorrow. (this sucks)

November Challenge: The One Where We Try To Be Better At Life

Hey Trusty Readers!
It's been a little while, huh? I know, you probably thought Ryan and I had some horrible falling out and weren't speaking to each other anymore, thus letting the blog die a slow and painful web death. As much as the thought puts a smile to my face, we were actually using this time to come up with a new challenge for November!

OK ok ok, truth? THE TRUTH?!?! Ryan and I were sending Aerosmith our cover of "Walk This Way" since they are officially searching for a new lead singer to replace Steven Tyler after the band just got too sober and cognizant.

Now that's been sent (cross your fingers for us) we can concentrate on our November challenge. Ryan, as you saw below, is going to try to be.....nice. Before I tell you my challenge, can I just tell you how HILARIOUS the next 10 days is going to be for me, envisioning Ryan choking out nice words, armpit sweat forming when having to be part of conversations he doesn't want to be in and having to put a lid on his snark? I've know Ryan for...wow, going on 11 years now...and I would describe him as if the word 'surly' took a human form. I'm not quite sure how we managed to develop such a friendship. I can only surmise it's some form of Helsinki Syndrome (Stockholms more perplexing, scary, tone-deaf cousin). Ryan trying to be super nice on a daily basis is akin to watching Will Smith play a mentally retarded person for a movie. Ryan, you're Will freaking Smith and hearing you talk like a mentally retarded person is going to make us all laugh really, really, really hard.

Wait a minute, now I’m picturing it. And laughing out loud. Oh man, this is a sweet mental trailer-picture. "Nooo you do not have cankles! You look wonderful, is that a new culotte set?" Hehehehehe

So while Ryan is gathering up all his spare Snuggies in his house (~217) in order to avoid people/having to be nice, I'll be working on my own personal challenge. My personal November challenge is: 30 minutes of Internet a day. Whooooo, chile, I KNOW. I. KNOW. It's going to be hard. Super hard. I mean, I literally spend 4 hours on the computer a day. The kids go to sleep around 8pm, I'm a nightowl - do you know what that means? The world is at my fingertips in the form of Renaissance paintings, listening to classical concertos, and to ponder deep philosophical musings (with the occasional video (or 10) of dogs trying to escape blankets).

I think I have it broken down as such for the next 10 days:
* 10 minutes of CNN.com/World
* 10 minutes of Email
* 10 minutes of Facebook

I can't tell you how much pop culture related sites I'll be missing out on (more like WON'T tell you) but I will be sorely out of the loop for 10 days. If someone came up to me and told me Scott Baio and Jaleel White murdered Alf while Kirk Cameron filmed, I may think it was true.

If I go over 30 minutes in a day or Ryan says a single mean thing, that counts as a fail. Whoever has the most fails at the end, well...you know how it works.

Now if ya'll exsqueeeeze me I have about 11 videos of cats throwing up to look through. It's like you can almost will things into existance on the internet. Can I share 2 of them?

1) The Viral Vom. One could argue this was the cat puking video that started it all. It’s kittens, it’s vomit, it’s over 7 million views, and it is just so adorable.


2) The Slow Mo. If you close your eyes, it almost sounds like diving into a pool.


Galsh. I'm gonna miss you Interwebs. See you in 10 days! Wait for me...my...preciousssss.....

Prizes for Winning!

I don't want anyone to think for a second that there are not HYUGE prizes to be won for these competitions. For example: The recession challenge netted me an awesome surprise in the mail on a random Tuesday, You know what it was? Documents from Lindsey for me to notarize! Woohoo! Lindsey spared no expense in congratulating me for the win. Seriously though, if I don't get some kind of compensation for winning I'm sending my trained eagle Henry to hunt your ass down. Don't tempt him, he knows how to use the tools I've given him.

Henry right after I saved him from captivity in 1999 (take that Woodland Park Zoo!):

Our Attempts to Be Better (Than You)

To celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall Lindsey and I have come up with another intense challenge. I feel I have to mention the fall because it was not mentioned by any other source on the interweb. Go ahead, check Google, check Yahoo news, and really go to town and check Fox or CNN. History really isn't important though, it's just the window to our future right?

Phew, that was a high pedestal to be on; out of breath from the thin air up there. Our symbolic choice for this new competition had to be mentioned though, and should not be lost on you, the reader. In the same vein as bettering the world is where we find our next challenge: Bettering ourselves--which is, in Lindsey's mind, the world. I know what you're thinking right now: "How is bettering yourself in the minute ways I'm sure you guys have come up with in your peanut sized brains even comparable to a historic event like the fall of the wall?". Well, the world (America) is changed by small means, people, and events; and I assure you, we are VERY small people doing VERY small things.

Linz and I will have separate tasks, but a way to score each that will (hopefully) be equivalent in difficulty to the respective person. Our challenge will go for 10 days, and will in the end serve to make us better people (than you). My challenge is to be nice. If you know me at all, or have read any single post in this blog, you know that this is quite a step for me(and just think, I really like Lindsey). I don't know when I became a mean person; however, I do know that if I was acquainted with an exact replica of me I would never be friends with that guy. As simply "being nice" was too vague for an actual challenge, I went ahead and quantified the "nice" goals I have to meet:

-I will say three nice things per day to people I encounter.

-These nice things will not be trite, dishonest, or backhanded (dammit). This will be the toughest part: Full on honest and nice things.

-I can not say three nice things to myself (about myself) while standing in front of the mirror for 45 minutes after the morning ritual--it's part of my morning routine, what?

-I can not say anything mean, either to, or about anyone. Should I happen to say something mean, I have to say three more nice things throughout the course of that day.

-This encompasses all forms of communication, written, spoken, typed, or pantomimed.

-I will try to make small daily posts recounting my new improved self, or reactions from others should there be any.

-I will most likely have to take out my accrued hatred of people throughout the day on imaginary people, this is acceptable.

Both of us have some serious will power, and you've seen how much Linz hates to lose (think Mike Tyson with ear in mouth); I think this will be a good competition. Of course if it does end in a tie, the tie will go to the reigning champ just like in Rocky 1. Regardless of the winner, this should be entertaining for all--not me as I will suffer from massive cognitive dissonance throughout the challenge.

Sit back and watch my transformation from this:



To this:



I really appreciate all your support and reading of the blog! *shudder*

MSN Moment of the Day

LinzO says:
I'm trying to think back if I ever changed his diaper
If so, I'm not accepting his friend request

Question: What's Wrong With Ryan?

The below picture is one of Ryan's absolute favorite pieces. What do you think this means? What does this say about him? Are you officially deleting him as a Facebook friend now?
Leave your comments and we'll choose the best one.