You. Think. This. NOW.

Charity Work

2010-09-02T22:02:00.000-07:00

I've dabbled in some pro bono work this year, I will keep you updated with examples. My first example is something I did for this blog's co-author. She recently became a tax-paying member of society and I wrote a letter of introduction for her new company's members and board:

Welcome Lindsay!

Jack's spot-welders (company name edited for privacy) would like to introduce the newest addition to our staff: Lindsay Repp, President of Dolphin Relations. Lindsay is a local resident of Sweden (location edited to protect identity), and brings many years of office support, a marketing background, and a love for Hello Kitty to the table. Lindsay’s deep love for mermaids, krakens, and Loch Ness monsters is what attracted us to her in the first place; it was very clear to us that she was special when we hired her, the kind of special that will bring us government grants and subsidies for her employment. Most of Lindsay’s marine training comes from repeated viewings of “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou” so she is well equipped to handle all the responsibilities this job will entail with cool collective ease—can’t wait to try her out in a hostage situation! Lindsay is currently working on establishing a means of communication with dolphins in order to help us understand why they are such blood thirsty killing machines, this project has had her barking and squealing pretty much constantly to work on her elocution of what she calls “Dolphinese”; she is in the very rudimentary stages of trying to get attention from the murderous little fish—this was a project she assigned to herself, so proactive!—but we tell her she is making progress daily. Lindsay is a perfect fit to our team and we are pleased to welcome her aboard. Congratulations Lindsay, ahem, Lindsey!

You're welcome Linz!

Nothing's Sacred. Nothing!

2010-09-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

Where have we been?! And more importantly: Where have I been?! Instead of the long and convoluted post I was going to type in order to re-intro the blog I have decided to do a short pictorial to show how the last 12 months have gone down. Skip this autobiographical next paragraph’s text if you don’t read well (Lindsey’s friends), or if you are easily bored (my friends).

The blog ceased to be one year ago due to a combination of factors. One: Lindsey didn’t buy ankle weights—this will be relevant in the near future. Two: I was going for a big promotion at work which took a lot out of me—self-congratulatory high-five because I got it! Three: Lindsey stopped caring. Four: Lindsey decided to adopt four Sierra Leonian children and figured the time and energy investment in raising them would curtail her enthusiasm for blogging. Lucky for both of us they were very quick studies in diamond mining (who would have guessed?!) and now pay all of her bills which frees up a lot of time for blogging. I always say your best investment is yourself—and Sierra Leonian orphans are an extremely close second—for best return on initial investment. And don’t worry about liquidity, for being people both are shockingly easy assets to unload.

In fewer words: The bulk of the blame for the premature death of the blog belongs to Lindsey. If I were to quantify the blame I would put ≈97.3% at her feet, and the rest goes to WPP.

Without further ado, here is the abridged pictorial of my year:

I work for the government; the more I work for government, the more conservative I become. This picture is of a big project for updating our city web site. People had some very good, well thought out contributions. My contribution was by far the most beneficial to the site--see the large red capital letters. This folks, is why I earn the big bucks.

More of the Magnificent work I do at my place of employment. These are all ways I branch out to the community and my co-workers. My roots are made of the strongest thing known to man--thought to be 896 times stronger than spider silk.

This happened whilst saving a kitten in distress from a grizzly bear that was all hopped up on methamphetamine. This broken ankle was the most traumatic (and tragic) experience of anyone's life, ever. Breaking the bone was a mixed blessing though, without that experience I would have never started the RMEBAAF (Ryan Michael Edwardsen Broken Ankle Awareness Foundation). Our mission is threefold, 1: To stop the spread of broken ankles 2: Use cutting edge technology to find a cure for broken ankles and 3: Raise awareness of broken ankles in first world countries. Our motto: Take the money you were going to donate to AIDS research and give it to this worthy cause instead (sidenote: is AIDS still around? No).

Just one of nine bastard children I sired this year. I really really liked this one so I kept it, most of the rest of them I just threw into dumpsters around Poulsbo, WA. Seriously though, if anyone is looking for an anchor baby, I highly recommend searching around Poulsbo (hot tip: try Wal Mart first).

Moved into a new house! The rest of this picture is self-explanatory I should think so I won't waste finger strokes explaining.

Somewhere between debating whether this economy is just on a temporary downturn or if we're building a completely new (lower) line for the GDP and Lindsey trying to convince me that straight white American men would be caught dead in anything on http://www.thesartorialist.blogspot.com/ (They wouldn't) Linz and I decided we need to compete again. It's good to be back. You're welcome in advance.

We're Baaaaaack - And Tighter Than Ever

2010-09-02T18:50:00.001-07:00

In the immortal words of Puff Daddy/Puffy/Diddy/Sean/Puffy Combs/Combs iz Puffy/Theodore (his closest friends call him that):
It's Been A Long Time
Since We Left You
Without a Dope Ripped Off From the 80's Beat
To Step To

Ryan and I were convinced absence would make the heart grow fonder, turns out we heard wrong and it's actually ABSTINENCE that makes the heart grow fonder. Our bad.
I feel like there's so much to catch up on - so much has happened! I'd go through it all, but VH1 has already beat me to the punch:

The only thing note-worthy in 2010 so far is the Gulf oil spill and Starz 'Party Down' getting canceled. (How...could...you, Starz?)

So now that we got that out of the way - Ryan and I are back! Gosh, have we missed our blog, blogging and bloggies. If you’re like me, then you were probably not the most popular kid around (and, therefore, a big fan of French cinema at a young age)--so as an adult I hold all methods of communicating and befriending people in very high regard.

Even our blog with 10 followers.

Thoughts In The Shower

2010-09-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

I had this sudden thought today while in the shower: how totally effed is Balloon Boy and his family? Forever until they die will they have the 'Balloon Boy' debacle hanging over their heads.
In case you've been living under a butter churn and/or Amish (mutually exclusive?) Balloon Boy, a child named Falcon Heene, took the media by storm after the world believed him to be afloat in an alien balloon somewhere over the Midwest. If you were a balloon expert, it was the day you'd been waiting for your whole life. Then they "found him" "sleeping" "in" "an" "attic". Then things got real shady. His dad turned out to be a complete fame-hungry lunatic, his mom a passive sketched out squirrel, and the boys turning up in a Youtube video throwing down language from the Mel Gibson Book of Communication.
The good people of the internet got to work fairly quickly creating some hilarious memes, but I think this rarely seen one is my absolute favorite:

MSN Moment

2010-08-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

Ryan: I honestly miss the writing part. It was kinda tough, but it felt like an accomplishment
LinzO: I completely agree. When I posted a post I was like aaaaah success. Esp if it was a good one, 1/4 self-deprecating humor, 1/4 wit, 1/4 Ryan bashing...
Ryan: ...1/4 maths

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-11-30T23:00:00.000-08:00

LinzO: So I think in January we should go all Freaky Friday for a day
Ryan: ?
LinzO: You know, like...switch lives? I have to go work (let's be real here, volunteer) somewhere for 4 hours and you need to go hang out with 2 kids for the day
LinzO: Which, surely someone you know has 2 kids they'd like a break from
Ryan: I'm not allowed to be within 150 feet of kids unsupervised.

Giving Spanks

2009-11-25T15:13:00.001-08:00

Dear Ryan,
Thanks for being you. (also: I'm Oprah, you're Gayle. Don't ever forget that!)

Dear Blog Readers,
Thanks for following along and encouraging us on our endeavors. Would it be too much to ask to leave comments? Ryan and I have really low self-esteem so we need those on those nights where we're clutching our Cabbage Patch dolls and reverting back to thumb-sucking.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hey Guys! I love you! Yay for sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows!!!

2009-11-19T00:20:00.000-08:00

No, the entire title of this entry is not a typo; I am a changed person! I swear!! (A lot, under my breath, at people who can't hear me--for the next 4 days). I guess, that upon looking at it, the title of this post makes me look like a fairy, and not just like the nice person I'm trying to be; ironically the former is exactly how I feel. I've taken being nice to a level that can't honestly be maintained by 99% of the earth's population. To the one percent who can maintain this honest level of nice, my hat's off to you; you're a patient, optimistic, kind, charitable, effing retard. So, nice work you Caspers of the living world, your uppins will come, just like they did for him.

In all of our previous competitions I have had definitive, well documented, advantages. Here's where this one goes awry: Throughout competition in my professional life it has behooved me to have a heart that's two sizes too small (think GOB from Arrrested Development), and to be apathetic to the plight of (all) others. Usually when Lindsey challenges me to something my first thought is, "Lindsey, your first mistake in thinking that you can compete with me is that you have a heart". I guess what I'm trying to say--in a less convoluted manner--is that I genuinely hate people, and this is tough.

Let me quickly list what idealistic Ryan hoped to gain from this competition:

-More friends

-Optimistic view--especially on the intelligence and compatibility of others as friends.

-Healthier outlook on own life

-People being mean to me (I feel like not nearly enough people are).

-A wife(?) What? Ten days should be enough right? Don't judge me.

Now, for what I have actually gained(?) from this competition:

-3 free meals--thanks guys!

-1 new friend that I may or may not care about, we'll see!

-Learned how to catch a feral rabbit and choke it to death, such a release! Thanks Miley Cyrus Rabbit, you'll be fondly remembered!

-Learned how to write "I hate you" in 17 different languages.

-Completely alienated all current friends to the point that they don't want to be around me anymore. This is fine, I really don't like them anyway, so yes, a gain.

Turns out that not many people like to be in the presence of nice Ryan. I guess I'm disappointed with my progress so far; however, I'm holding out hope that there will be some actual gain from this. I don't want this to be like the 31 times I've tried to start running as a daily routine only to throw up after the first 4-miler and swear it off--so much torture, no gain; you all know where I'm coming from on this. I'm not disappointed by my efforts though, I'm pretty sure I'm going to beat Lindsey handily in this comp.

Warning to all blog readers (my true friends): I will be going on what will be comparable to a steroid and meth induced Hulk rage the MINUTE this competition ends. I've commissioned an artist to depict what this will look like--he may have taken artistic liberties on my arms, but the rest is pretty accurate:

Jeez, You Say It Like Pathological Computer Use Is A Bad Thing....

2009-11-18T22:24:00.001-08:00

Facebook post from me to Ryan today: "Just dropping in to tell you I think I may have turned a corner here on our challenge. Totally not even stressing anymore about any (all) info I'm missing. Really glad I found "Chicken Soup for the Internet Addicted Soul". (could you check my eBay for me? thanks)"

Well. This is pretttttty much true. Yes, I have an eBay account, that is true. Yes, Ryan has been checking on various items I'm trying to win (you can go ahead and ask him how many vintage blazers does one person need? He'll say a lot). Have I turned the proverbial corner on my challenge? I mean...to the tune of 80% certainty: sure.(said weakly and non-convincingly)

I kind of feel like this is the hardest challenge I've done so far. I think I would rather do another Recession Challenge than this challenge again. It's not so much that I'm, you know, ADDICTED to the computer, it's that I'm on frequently to check my email for any job prospects, catch up with friends via Faceboo---uh oh. It sounds like I'm knee deep in Stage 4 of Recovery: denial and excuse-making.

Hm. At this rate I should be heading into resentment and relapse tomorrow, and acceptance and abstinence by Friday. Perfect! (I can not WAIT for this Saturday when our challenge ends and I can go on an internet bender).

Until then: a cat throw up video.

1) The NSFL (Not Safe For Life). As it is with these cat throw up videos, I always end up with more questions than answers.
Is there some sort of silent human-animal communication going on that dude knew his cat would hurl 11 seconds after commencing videotaping? (which leads me to: do people ACTUALLY get this bored?)
Doesn't that guy sound like Rob Dyrdek?
Dude let out the most defeated, can't-be-bothered-with-this/totally-over-it sigh at the end of the video, I have no doubt that the cat vom pile stayed there for a day (or 6).
Is anyone able to watch this twice? If so, you're a better man/woman/hybrid than I.

Day 3: Freefalling Into Dilated Pupils, Goosebumps, Watery Eyes, Tremors, Panic Attacks and Insomnia....

2009-11-13T14:27:00.001-08:00

1) Is it sad/strange I know the symptoms of heroin withdrawal without having to look it up? (HI MOM!!)

2) Reaaaaallly having a tough time filling my time without my trusty sidekick, Eva. (that's my laptops name).

3)How tough? I have completed my Christmas shopping for the season. YOU READ THAT RIGHT. This has reached epic proportions and I actually asked Ryan if I could forfeit the challenge last night. Strangely (probably because he's being "nice") he talked me off the ledge. You don't want to know the corrupt and humiliating things I'd for AN HOUR of internet time right now. It all seemed so easy 3(!!!) days ago.

4) Ryan is getting nicer by the minute and turning into everyone's golden child wonder boy, while I am struggling to see what the benefits are of MY challenge. More time to clean my bathroom floor with a toothbrush, or organize the kids clothes alphabetically by brand name?

5) I did pick up a new book today, however. It's called 'Push', which the new movie that is killing it in the box office and reviews 'Precious' is based off of. (I'm only going to assume it's "killing it" in the reviews as I CAN'T LOOK IT UP TO VERIFY).

6) Benjamin Button Kitty Vom. MAN do we have to wait FOREVER (:26 seconds) to see any sort of action on this vid. Which begs the question: Why was Whiskers being videotaped in the first place? Did the owner KNOW it was going to hurl? If so, how? And if they didn't know, dear god...WHY videotape your cat sitting there? It's not like you own a puma or a Bermese Mountain Lion. It's a cat. It's sitting there. Save your batteries, man!

Day 2: Segwaying Into Agitation, Anxiety, Muscle Aches, Runny Nose and Sweating...

2009-11-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

I wonder what's going on in the world? 30 minutes is CLEARLY not enough time to really get a good grasp on things. I spent about 15 minutes reading this morning about 'Where The Wild Things Are' and 'This Is It' ticket sales in the box office. I need to be more efficient with my sites. Zooming in, gathering pertinent information, making mental notes (What is the stock market doing? Should I start storing large bills under my mattress? What's Kim Kardashian up to today?) and zooming out. (Too listless to even make a 'that's what he said' joke)

Seeing as how the majority of my communication with my friends are via instant messenger, Facebook and email - this is proving to be most difficult. I feel like EVERY one of my friends (spanning 3 states and 2 times zones, I'm a regular Carmen Sandiego) are planning to meet up at a secret location to party and dance the night away, and I will be the only one not there due to not getting the important message via internet. If this is the case may I just add something: I HOPE THE CLOVERFIELD MONSTER COMES AND RUINS ALL THE FUN YOU ALL ARE HAVING.

Really having a hard time. I hope Ryan yelled at someone today. That'll perk me up.

Sticking to my word in logging off (my calling card so to speak!) each post with a cat throw up video.

1)The Model. This cat never actually voms, however you wouldn’t know it judging by his reaction to these common household human foods.

I CAN BE NICE! I just wasn't today...

2009-11-11T22:26:00.000-08:00

Soooo, I had a rough time today. Not like a crash and burn fail, more like an almost made it to the end of the race while small bits and pieces of sanity were falling off of me, nearly turning me into Michael Douglas's character from the movie Falling Down--early 90's pop culture reference, too obscure?

I will list my accomplishments for the day, as it was an eye opener for me on how hard it is to be genuinely nice:

-Told a friend that I enjoy spending time with them.

-Told Lindsey and Mr. Lindsey that I love them--via the internet, but still true.

-Told a friend I liked her jeans, 3 times; and no, not in a pervy, creepy, I'm staring at your ass type of way either (yes it was).

In the interest of brevity I'll just list the minimum. I did say a couple of mean things but said 6 more nice things to make up for them.

I DID find it necessary--usually even I don't even go this far--to tell a girl that when she made a certain facial expression, her eyebrows make her look like 50 cent, it felt really good; I should be all refreshed for tomorrow.

Canadian LinzO and Ryan

2009-11-11T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ryan! Ry!!! Look! It's like the canadian, male, ugly version of us! (or are we just the american, co-ed, better looking version of them?)
Either way, Kenny v. Spenny - First One To Be Mean Loses

The value of friendship

2009-11-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Lindsey,in 2,000 words or more, tell me what our friendship means to you. This is kind of a make or break part of friendship with Ryan at 10 months, sorry I didn't warn you before we started this competition. These essays are something I like to keep in a file to look at when the dark thoughts come. 2,000 words or more. This counts toward your 30 minutes, and no copying and pasting weird poetry. Get this to me by tomorrow or I don't think we can be friends anymore, k?

PS This is not "mean"; this is medication I need for an acute self-esteem deficiency and ongoing trust issues.

Day 1.5: Moving Onto Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Chills, Tears

2009-11-11T15:01:00.000-08:00

I'm going to need to get a hobby. For real. This is ridiculous.
WEBS!!! WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?!?!
Also I told Ryan I'm going to sign off every blog post with a cat throw up video (which means we should either see a huge spike or severe drop in readership).
Another thing: "nice" Ryan scares me.

1)The Cat Booty Dragger. Nice technique.

Day 1: Cold Turkey Heroin Withdrawal

2009-11-11T08:03:00.001-08:00

Well this is going to be tough. I already used up my 30 minutes chatting with people on IM and not getting to CNN. What's going on today, world?! I dunno, guess I'll find out tomorrow. (this sucks)

November Challenge: The One Where We Try To Be Better At Life

2009-11-10T22:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Trusty Readers!
It's been a little while, huh? I know, you probably thought Ryan and I had some horrible falling out and weren't speaking to each other anymore, thus letting the blog die a slow and painful web death. As much as the thought puts a smile to my face, we were actually using this time to come up with a new challenge for November!

OK ok ok, truth? THE TRUTH?!?! Ryan and I were sending Aerosmith our cover of "Walk This Way" since they are officially searching for a new lead singer to replace Steven Tyler after the band just got too sober and cognizant.

Now that's been sent (cross your fingers for us) we can concentrate on our November challenge. Ryan, as you saw below, is going to try to be.....nice. Before I tell you my challenge, can I just tell you how HILARIOUS the next 10 days is going to be for me, envisioning Ryan choking out nice words, armpit sweat forming when having to be part of conversations he doesn't want to be in and having to put a lid on his snark? I've know Ryan for...wow, going on 11 years now...and I would describe him as if the word 'surly' took a human form. I'm not quite sure how we managed to develop such a friendship. I can only surmise it's some form of Helsinki Syndrome (Stockholms more perplexing, scary, tone-deaf cousin). Ryan trying to be super nice on a daily basis is akin to watching Will Smith play a mentally retarded person for a movie. Ryan, you're Will freaking Smith and hearing you talk like a mentally retarded person is going to make us all laugh really, really, really hard.

Wait a minute, now I’m picturing it. And laughing out loud. Oh man, this is a sweet mental trailer-picture. "Nooo you do not have cankles! You look wonderful, is that a new culotte set?" Hehehehehe

So while Ryan is gathering up all his spare Snuggies in his house (~217) in order to avoid people/having to be nice, I'll be working on my own personal challenge. My personal November challenge is: 30 minutes of Internet a day. Whooooo, chile, I KNOW. I. KNOW. It's going to be hard. Super hard. I mean, I literally spend 4 hours on the computer a day. The kids go to sleep around 8pm, I'm a nightowl - do you know what that means? The world is at my fingertips in the form of Renaissance paintings, listening to classical concertos, and to ponder deep philosophical musings (with the occasional video (or 10) of dogs trying to escape blankets).

I think I have it broken down as such for the next 10 days:
* 10 minutes of CNN.com/World
* 10 minutes of Email
* 10 minutes of Facebook

I can't tell you how much pop culture related sites I'll be missing out on (more like WON'T tell you) but I will be sorely out of the loop for 10 days. If someone came up to me and told me Scott Baio and Jaleel White murdered Alf while Kirk Cameron filmed, I may think it was true.

If I go over 30 minutes in a day or Ryan says a single mean thing, that counts as a fail. Whoever has the most fails at the end, well...you know how it works.

Now if ya'll exsqueeeeze me I have about 11 videos of cats throwing up to look through. It's like you can almost will things into existance on the internet. Can I share 2 of them?

1) The Viral Vom. One could argue this was the cat puking video that started it all. It’s kittens, it’s vomit, it’s over 7 million views, and it is just so adorable.

2) The Slow Mo. If you close your eyes, it almost sounds like diving into a pool.

Galsh. I'm gonna miss you Interwebs. See you in 10 days! Wait for me...my...preciousssss.....

Prizes for Winning!

2009-11-10T02:09:00.000-08:00

I don't want anyone to think for a second that there are not HYUGE prizes to be won for these competitions. For example: The recession challenge netted me an awesome surprise in the mail on a random Tuesday, You know what it was? Documents from Lindsey for me to notarize! Woohoo! Lindsey spared no expense in congratulating me for the win. Seriously though, if I don't get some kind of compensation for winning I'm sending my trained eagle Henry to hunt your ass down. Don't tempt him, he knows how to use the tools I've given him.

Henry right after I saved him from captivity in 1999 (take that Woodland Park Zoo!):

Our Attempts to Be Better (Than You)

2009-11-10T01:54:00.001-08:00

To celebrate the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall Lindsey and I have come up with another intense challenge. I feel I have to mention the fall because it was not mentioned by any other source on the interweb. Go ahead, check Google, check Yahoo news, and really go to town and check Fox or CNN. History really isn't important though, it's just the window to our future right?

Phew, that was a high pedestal to be on; out of breath from the thin air up there. Our symbolic choice for this new competition had to be mentioned though, and should not be lost on you, the reader. In the same vein as bettering the world is where we find our next challenge: Bettering ourselves--which is, in Lindsey's mind, the world. I know what you're thinking right now: "How is bettering yourself in the minute ways I'm sure you guys have come up with in your peanut sized brains even comparable to a historic event like the fall of the wall?". Well, the world (America) is changed by small means, people, and events; and I assure you, we are VERY small people doing VERY small things.

Linz and I will have separate tasks, but a way to score each that will (hopefully) be equivalent in difficulty to the respective person. Our challenge will go for 10 days, and will in the end serve to make us better people (than you). My challenge is to be nice. If you know me at all, or have read any single post in this blog, you know that this is quite a step for me(and just think, I really like Lindsey). I don't know when I became a mean person; however, I do know that if I was acquainted with an exact replica of me I would never be friends with that guy. As simply "being nice" was too vague for an actual challenge, I went ahead and quantified the "nice" goals I have to meet:

-I will say three nice things per day to people I encounter.

-These nice things will not be trite, dishonest, or backhanded (dammit). This will be the toughest part: Full on honest and nice things.

-I can not say three nice things to myself (about myself) while standing in front of the mirror for 45 minutes after the morning ritual--it's part of my morning routine, what?

-I can not say anything mean, either to, or about anyone. Should I happen to say something mean, I have to say three more nice things throughout the course of that day.

-This encompasses all forms of communication, written, spoken, typed, or pantomimed.

-I will try to make small daily posts recounting my new improved self, or reactions from others should there be any.

-I will most likely have to take out my accrued hatred of people throughout the day on imaginary people, this is acceptable.

Both of us have some serious will power, and you've seen how much Linz hates to lose (think Mike Tyson with ear in mouth); I think this will be a good competition. Of course if it does end in a tie, the tie will go to the reigning champ just like in Rocky 1. Regardless of the winner, this should be entertaining for all--not me as I will suffer from massive cognitive dissonance throughout the challenge.

Sit back and watch my transformation from this:

To this:

I really appreciate all your support and reading of the blog! *shudder*

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-11-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

LinzO says:
I'm trying to think back if I ever changed his diaper
If so, I'm not accepting his friend request

Question: What's Wrong With Ryan?

2009-11-04T10:14:00.001-08:00

The below picture is one of Ryan's absolute favorite pieces. What do you think this means? What does this say about him? Are you officially deleting him as a Facebook friend now?
Leave your comments and we'll choose the best one.

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

LinzO: So I was like....dude, Ryan would love her. So Drew comes in to scope and we order lunch
LinzO: She starts haggling me about my veggie wedge I want to order saying they don't serve it after 11:30
LinzO: Ry, it was 11:42
Ryan: Haha
Ryan: Veggie wedge
Ryan: Give her a second shot!
LinzO: Like would. not. budge.
Ryan (your words)
LinzO: Seriously? I come in every morning ordering multiple drinks, fresh pressed OJ and you're busting my veggie wedge balls over 12 minutes?
LinzO: You may appreciate that sort of tenacity in a mate, I don't know
Ryan: Really you lost me at coffee shop.

I'm out of synonyms for "Win/Winning", help!

2009-10-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I knew when we started this competition driven blog that I was going to run out of ways to gloat; however, I didn't expect that time to come so quickly. To my doubters (AKA those who voted for Linz): You know her right? I presented empirical evidence of her heroin like addiction to talking on the phone along with the lack of self control to get to even step one in the recovery process. I don't know how to sway you any more; but believe me I will NOT stop trying. Until the next competition go ahead and wallow in your failure stew, and close your mouths while you're breathing.

I wanted to break down this competition with a (very) short analysis. We started this on Monday, Lindsey's first two calls were used that morning to speak with her doc. Now normally you would think, "Maybe we should forgive those two, I mean her doctor, that could be life threatening stuff". You would be incorrect in thinking that's how these calls went down, they were more like this:

Doctor: Lindsey, I'm afraid what you have is an inoperable attraction to shiny objects sickness, sorry.

Linz: Ooooooh, did you SEEEE Gossip Girl last night? Cuhrazy huh?!

Doctor: Well, no, but...This is quite serious, we want to perform a couple more tests...

Linz: Speidi is killing me right now! I don't think Massengill makes a bigger douche than them together.

Doctor:...

Understand that this is merely a representation of how the conversation went, 2 or 3 of the words may be interchangeable, and know that it went on for at least 15 minutes like this. The second phone call broke the superficial barrier and went right to Suri Cruise's new hairdo I'm sure.

As for me, I changed my number two months ago and I can count on two hands how many people have it (also I can count on two fingers how many people call it), I missed a couple calls (sorry Mom!), but surprisingly didn't lose any friends. I say "surprisingly" because I think 90% of my friends are just looking for that last straw to break the camel's back of our friendship.

This victory is bittersweet for me because having won last month, and consequently having listened to "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito 493 in succession, I could only listen to it once this month. I will now post the video for you, my loyal supporters. Don't feel guilty or embarrassed for listening to the whole thing, 4,000,000 YouTube viewers can't be--and aren't--wrong about how great this song is:

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1st Is Worst, 2nd Is Best, 3rd Is The One With The Hairy Chest

2009-10-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

Hey look ya'll, it's me up there ^^, forlornly clutching on to a fence next to the words 'The Art of Losing' because, welp, I lost Phone Challenge '09. As a recap, the challenge was first to make/take 3 calls or texts loses. VERY difficult. I took 2 calls from my doctor on Monday, and during a sleep deprived moment Saturday morning called my friend to wish him a Happy Birthday, temporarily forgetting about the newest battle I was embroiled in with Ryan.

Something you should know about me (other than that there is NO sunrise worth waking me up at 5:45am to go see) is that I hate losing. I technically lost on Saturday, but have been looking at pictures of pgymy hedgehogs, pigs in beds (usually with a swine flu joke attached, ahahahHA HA HA) and videos of teenagers losing their wigs over New Moon trailers to make myself feel better (in general and in life).

Ryan has proven himself to be quite the (hermetic, anti-social, reclusive) challenge partner, but through it all we remain steadfast friends, no matter what he says. The common brown forest fox does not have a lot in common with the artic snow fox, and yet they can be friends. America, are you watching?

To: Ryan, Fm: LinzO Part 2

2009-10-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

(sigh) Kudos, Ryan. KUDOS. I tip my teeny tiny squirrel-sized fedora to you! (with understandably less enthusiasm then the first squirrel hat tip)

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-18T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ryan: Gosh, my mind is still swimmy; this is probably what people from Enumclaw feel like all the time eh? I can actually tell I'm not on point, that I'm lacking some serious wit and intellect.
Ryan: And I have the hiccups.
LinzO: Are you trying to be witty and intellectual to chat with me, because I'm literally cleaning my nose right now with my finger and reading about Balloon Boy and his crazy family

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

Linz says:
Gosh people love me in the polls, don't they?
I'm like Obama and you're Kucinich
Ryan says:
People are idiots yes.

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-13T12:30:00.001-07:00

Ryan says:
It's sooo windy here today
And blustery rainy action goin on.
Linz says:
It's rainy here too
I love windy Seattle days
So fun for biking or jogging
Ryan says:
Alone

October Challenge: X & Y vs. The Phone

2009-10-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

Cell phones. Can't live without 'em, and can't live without 'em. EVERYONE has a cell phone. The ability to keep in touch with family, business associates, access to email, and up-to-minute updates from TMZ.com make cell phones the must have item for modern society. Case in point: my 8 and 5 year old would clamor over Ryan when he would come over, not because they were excited to see him (let's not be crazy here) -but because they wanted to play games on his iPhone. Even kids younger than 5 get PlaySkools 'My First Cell Phone' along with pretend plastic keys to their Tonka Hummer.
This all begs the question: "How Did We As A Society Ever Survive Before Cell Phones?"
Uhhh, easy. Pagers? Pay phones? Actually, you know, WAITING to talk to the person? However, I must say I don't even know where to FIND said pay phones anymore--other than inside of a medium security penal institution (worst.boyfriend.ever). How much do payphones even cost now? $2.75? Do they have slots for credit cards?? So many questions--which I may end up finding the answer.
After a long process of elimination, Ryan and I have decided on our October Challenge. (yes, we're still talking even though I lost Recession Challenge '09-"Lindsey" is Yiddish for "one who forgives after monetary reimbursement").

OCTOBER CHALLENGE: Whoever Takes 3 Calls First Loses
The rules are really simple - no texting, no making calls or no receiving calls.
We get 3 life-lines, as I call it. 3 calls we are able to make or take.
We're able to check messages, but from now until someone reaches Unlucky #3 it's going somewhat old school. Using work phones(don't know if this even applies to Ryan. Watching kitten Youtube vids or Filipino prisoners dancing to 'I Want It That Way' does NOT constitute as work), IM'ing and emails.
All gloves are off and I've already had someone prank text him pretending to be from his bank and saying it's urgent he call them back. (To his credit, he didn't fall for it. Doubt he's the only American right now avoiding calls from their bank, am I right?)

As for me, I've been missing calls left and right today. Fortunately nothing that I can't just email or IM a response, but you know what? Bob doesn't take too kindly when he calls me for information and I don't pick up:

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-12T13:10:00.001-07:00

Linz says:
Shiz
This is gonna be tough
Ryan says:
Huh?
Linz says:
Our challenge
I feel like the Corn Challenge would've been easier a bit
Ryan says:
Not really much of a challenge there though, and as far as social relevance goes?
Plus if I ever go for political office I don't need racism AND corn poo to hold me back.

Phone Challenge '09

2009-10-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by our previous "MSN Moment of the Day" post, Lindsey and I have frantically (>2 minutes a day brainstorming) been trying to come up with a new challenge to appease our massive readership. As you can see all of the ideas are really (really) stupid, and coincidentally all of the ideas are Lindsey's (Corn Challenge? WTF?!). Being that I'm very new to blogging and have the imagination of a creativity repressed communist, she is the idea factory, and I am the filter. However, one of us--I honestly don't remember which--finally came up with a new challenge that is a win-win for me, and absolutely crippling to Linz.

The challenge goes like this: The first person to make or receive three phone calls loses. Pretty basic right? We threw away the idea of a single elimination competition as it could end as quickly as it starts: Lindsey as an over coddling mother takes (emergency) call from her kids, weak, orrrr Ryan takes that call he's waiting for from Kate Beckinsale (or comparable other), awesome. The challenge applies to text messages as well. There are more T's and C's for this competition; however, for the life of me, I can't remember them. I'll let Linz go over the rest of the boring parameters for the challenge, she's better at it. I now have a great reason, documented by the never-lying interweb, to not talk on the phone, I can't imagine a better "challenge".

Now this competition is already off to a great start in the polls: 1 vote for Ry, 1 vote for Linz; this is amazing because we hadn't announced the criteria for the challenge before these votes were tabulated. I wonder who voted for me--Go Ryan!!1one11. Before you (the educated public) vote on this one, I suggest you take a look at this crude representation of how much Linz calls people/talks on the phone:

MSN Moment of The Day

2009-10-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

Linz says:
So where'd you land on the Showering Challenge?
Ryan says:
Hell no
Ryan says:
Get a job and we'll talk about it
Linz says:
Fine. Who Can Lose The Most Weight In A Week?
Linz says:
If we did gaining, I could just choose my period week and beat you without even having to work
Ryan says:
I can see me not eating for like 5 days to win this though.
Linz says:
I can see me ordering a Brazilian stomach parasite to win it
Linz says:
Who can eat the most corn until their poo is ACTUALLY CORN (pics required)?
Ryan says:
I don't even know where you came up with that, but I swear sometimes you have Down's
Linz:
I catch your affectionate tone

Compensating

2009-10-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

Things I bought when Recession Challenge 2009 was over:

1. Cinnamon Clove Bud Home Fragrance
2. Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin Foaming Hand Soap
3. 2 Cd's called 'P.S., I Love You' (on sale from $12.50 for $5!!)
4. Sushi
5. And this:

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-10-07T16:33:00.000-07:00

Ryan says:
I can't run around looking and smelling like ass.
My potential mates can leave me pretty easily, yours requires lawyers, court dates, and separation of assets.

To: Ryan, Fm: LinzO

2009-10-07T14:01:00.001-07:00

Kudos, Ryan. KUDOS. I tip my teeny tiny squirrel-sized fedora to you!

Final Tally: WEEK 4

2009-10-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

Legions of Fans,

Sorry we were so lax updating last week. Donatella Versace as my witness, I was waiting for Ryan to post his Week 4 totals so he wouldn't CHEAT when he saw my totals. Honest. So blame him. I do (as usual).

To the 23 people (not counting myself and my mom) who voted for me: I have some bad news. I underestimated Ryan's solitude and reclusive ways, clearly. Apparently next time I am to have this challenge, I need to choose someone with a similar social structure -- one that involves a little more than work, the occasional hike and waiting for Michael Jackson's 'This Is It' tickets to go on sale.

On to Week 4 Totals:

Subway: $3.00 (veggie sub)
Zen Sushi: $5.95 (lunch)
Borders: $2.80 (latte)

Total: $11.75

I admit, if I had come at Recession Challenge '09 like this out of the gate, Ryan would be shaking in his stained, ripped Hanes boxers. I heard it takes 2 weeks to become acclimated to something new (literally have heard this uttered, maybe even in jest, ONCE 10 years ago and continue to repeat this as fact).

Somehow, though, I still feel like a winner.(half heartedly thrusts fist in air)
I feel like it's made me more conscious about money, how I spend it, where and on what. There's so much more of a definitive 'Want vs. Need' mentality when I go to purchase something now. That has to be good, right?! If this economic crash and resulting recession has taught us anything, it's that people's mentalities have to change. The one with the most toys at the end of the day doesn't win. The one with the flies following him because he's not showering to conserve water does! Declining property values, increasing divorces, more people living in smaller spaces, immigration's slowing, less health insurance, blah blah blah....recessions are predictable. I, for one, am enjoying my stance on Frugal Mountain, ready to propel down CheapLikeWoah Cliffs.

Our social experiment may be over, but make no mistake - we are still in the midst of a hopeless, soul-sucking economic decline. 254,000 private sector job losses in September. Put that trend in your pipe and smoke it.

Sustainable spending habit changes?

2009-10-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'd like to preface this entry with an apology: Lindsey has been super lazy with writing the final post for our competition, and I want to apologize on her behalf. This, you may think should not be an excuse for me to have not written MY final entry; however, I have my reasons: 1. Lindsey cheats, more on this later 2. I just properly used a colon and semicolon in the same sentence, please don't try this, you will fail. 3. Lindsey's laziness affects me negatively, it's very hard to pull people up, much easier for her to drag me down 4. I've been all jacked up on coke all week and couldn't actually write anything that had a semblance of continuity or humility, this is also Lindsey's fault. 5. Lindsey promised me that we'd both be on Larry King playing softball by this time for some huge scandal coming from our stardom as a result of our blog, she lied, I have received no phone calls from Larry's crew. You can see how all of these factors--all Lindsey's fault--could result in neglecting the blog.

I'm not going to spice this up with anything clever, or witty, I just want to say that I kicked Lindsey's ass. Unless she managed to spend negative money in the last week or so, she lost. To her supporters: You all knew the faster horse in this race would be me--you knew it, no need to lie to be nice--yet you still voted for the loser. What drives people to do this? This is the kind of lying to ourselves that put America in a recession in the first place. Do yourselves a favor and never own a business, traits like friendship will get you--and America--nowhere, I hope that you have taken that--and only that--from this month's competition. Now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Without further ado my totals:

Parking in Seattle: $5.00 (split 3 ways)
Being racist: $0.00
Winning this competition: $0.00
Not getting my car fixed (when I should have): $0.00

Subtotal: $5.00
Competition total: $96.01

Yes, you read it right, I spent less during the whole month than Lindsey did in week 2 of this competition. To celebrate my win, I need to come up with either: A. A way to punish the loser, or B: A gift from the loser. I have no idea what to choose for either option as Lindsey has blatantly refused to speak with a Vietnamese FOB accent for a week--something about alienating her family and friends?--and I have no other ideas. Do me a favor readers and offer up some suggestions, killing two birds with one stone here; I figure this will help us know if anyone is actually reading the blog, and it will solve my problem of having a non-creative mind when it comes to the reward/punishment.

I'm sure this has been the least I have ever spent in a month and I am looking forward to doing normal people things like going to movies, eating at restaurants, and driving places without worrying how many miles I have til I have to fill the tank; speaking of which, I hope you all noticed that my cheating competitor listed $0.00 for gas this entire month--is she now driving a turbine or nuclear reactor powered car? I don't know, I think it's more likely she cheated though. I suppose I can't blame her for not playing by the rules it's what her people do, See: Pearl Harbor bombing, driving, Genghis Khan, and Khmer Rouge for just a few (small) examples. Is this kind of spending sustainable, by either of us? That is an emphatic hell no; however, we are both trained in case someone challenges us to a "who can spend less" competition ever again--this will never happen.

Final money saving tip of the week (you get a 2fer this week): Save your bar soap slivers and putting them all in the mesh bag you get onions in. I take my old bar of soap and smash it into my new bar of soap, but saving the slivers so you can reconstitute it with other bars. Annnd, Macdonald's throws away lots of food they don't sell. A garbage bag full of fries is an instant party. You're welcome.

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

LinzO: OK my favorite thing
LinzO: Is when people blow up on Facebook
Ryan: Hehe ya
LinzO: Like...letting the WHOLE WORLD know what's irking them
Ryan: Because the whole world cares yo
Ryan: Or wait, is that nobody cares? Ya, that second one.
Ryan: I only blow my load to one person

This Would Be A Great Time For An Inspirational Sports Montage

2009-09-23T20:40:00.000-07:00

Here we are, wrapping up Week 3 and well into Week 4. OK, yes, I totally sucked the first two weeks but WOW I think I really pulled it together this week. See what I think really helped inspire me was seeing how much faith our fans have in me. (Either that or you all loathe Ryan, totally understandable, he's like the human version of a cactus).
Not counting my own vote, and assuming my mother voted for me, that leaves 22 votes from people who genuinely believe I can take this home. (Don't ask me who Jake voted for, just know he has been sleeping on the couch for all of September.)So for that - thanks all! (Did I imply somewhere in a previous post you would get monetary reimbursement for voting for me? If someone could copy/paste that would be great.)

At this very moment I wish I watched sports so I could equate this to some fantastic underdog win, but as it stands I only watch curling. On to the totals!

Zen Sushi: $8.00 (lunch + tip)
24-Hour Fitness: $2.25 (bottled water)

TOTAL: $10.25

Can I get a what-what repeat and give you guys a moment to wipe off your computer screens and make sure you're reading that right?

TOTAL: $10.25

ZZZZZOOOMGGGG YES! YES! YES!
If ya'll could see me now, I am fist pumping and doing the dance of joy (p.s. I'm Balki, Ryan is Larry) Right now Ryan is Taylor Swift and I am Kanye, stealing his thunder and it feels so good!

Granted, this wasn't an epic sweep by any means, but it was a sweep for me - no matter how small. This is not to say it was an easy week, either. In fact, it totally sucked. I'm using the kids shampoo, my eyebrows need a wax like you wouldn't believe, and I also wasn't able to help my Nigerian prince friend cash his check or wire him money this month---his dad is in trouble, what?! (sorry Prince Obafemi! October, ok?)

It will be interesting to see how this week plays out. We're already to Wednesday, and in the spirit of competition I won't divulge how much I've spent so far, but let's just say when a bedraggled, overgrown eyebrowed, stinky, hungry woman wins - you'll know who was better this week.

I'm usually super snarky on the current economic state and would use this part of my post to say how we're all broke, enjoying articles called "What Former Rich People Are Up To", crowding our families into small apartments, blowing our emergency cash wad on suits and scoffing when Bernake says the recession is over (uhhh...Ben? Can I call you Ben? We're scoffing because we'd love to join the party but we're all too broke to afford the party hats.)....but right now I just can't.

I'll leave you with a visual representation of how I feel this week:

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

LinzO: You see that kid who cries blood?
LinzO: Awesooommmeeeeeeeee
LinzO: I would love to cry and have it be like SawIV
Ryan: I saw that, in Africa or something ya?
LinzO: Tennessee
LinzO: Close
Ryan: Knew it was somewhere 3rd world

Will work for toiletry items...

2009-09-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure it took us both about three weeks to get warmed up and full on into recession spending. Apparently three weeks is all it takes to learn a new talent (recession spending) when you are a lazy ass who only works 20 hours a week (me), or a drain on society that works 0 hours a week (guess who!). My adversary and I had some time to chat this week and are both worried these spending habits may continue into the next month, and for months to come. You may not see why this is a bad thing; however I have prepared a couple of examples to help out:

What I wanted to buy this week: Pureology shampoo and Conditioner: $42.95
What I should have bought instead: Pert Plus: $3.99
What I did buy: Nothing, resulting in serious hair grease, and an interesting smell

What I wanted to buy this week: Clinique 3 step kit: $50.50
What I should have bought instead: Lever 2000 bar(s) $.99
What I did buy: Nothing, resulting in scientifically unexplained smell, and overall oiliness

What I wanted to buy this week: New CBR1000RR: $11,999.00
What I should have bought instead: Used CBR1000RR: : Approx $6000-10,000
What I did buy: Gas: $5.00

Oh the things we have to sacrifice! Woe is me. You can see the downside to these spending habits, which is naturally causing us both worry. Don't cry for us masses, I have an expensive haircut booked for Oct. 2nd, and Lindsey is probably going to put an offer on France (yes the country) on the 1st. We appreciate your concern; but we will make it back to the top from the dregs of society where we've been spending this last month.

Before I post my tally for the week, I'd like to give a shoutout to all the homeless people who offered me money, food, deodorant, advice, and a place to stay this week: Thanks Sam, Joe, Richard, Marie, and Dawn (names changed to protect the identities). Who says convicted level 3 sexual offenders can't be a benefit to society/me? Can't wait to try out the tricks I learned with rat meat, duct tape, empty Jack bottles, and pee stained cardboard this week!

Mah numbers this week:

Cover charge at DTK bar for NONP show: $5.00, also cost me part of my soul, I hate DTK.
Parking at Marymoor Park: $1.00
Gas: $5.00

Total: $11.00

Ah, this week I painted my Sistine Chapel ceiling of cheapness, I'm proud. Don't worry friends, just one more week and I'll be back to normal antisocial, people/self hating, money spending Ryan.

Money saving tip of the week :What are you doing?! Are you washing your jeans?! Underwear needs to be washed, socks need to be washed, sweaters need to be washed (debatable), jeans have an infinite life without washing. Save money, save water, save your conscience, don't wash your jeans (except in cases of severe mudbutt). Glad I could bring this blog down a notch with my musings.

Random Musing

2009-09-18T13:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Ryan,
Does it hurt you that people have so much more faith in me than you? Polls don't lie (except for any and all from Fox News and CNN), but wow. Are your cheeks stained with hot, salty tears everytime you see those numbers?

Forever Friends,
Lindsey

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

Linz says:
Bernake said today the recession is over
Linz says:
Is it sad I don't trust him because he has a beard?
Linz says:
(also pretty sure he means over for richies, but ok)
Ryan says:
I think it's sad to assume the entire country is a microeconomy.
Ryan says:
Because you can be damn sure it won't be over in Idaho for a long time.
Ryan says:
And plenty of other places too.
Ryan says:
Plus that guy has a beard
Linz says:
"From a technical perspective, the recession is very likely over at this point," he said, adding that "it's still going to feel like a very weak economy for some time, as many people will still find that their job security and their employment status is not what they wish it was."
Linz says:
Technical perspective = rich folks with beards

Ryan's awesome music; take 1:

2009-09-14T22:21:00.000-07:00

Not really a fan of Tegan And Sara, Tiesto did some good things to this track though. Nice mellow goodness, like country apple pie on a Sunday morning in Alabama--I guess.

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

LinzO says:
I need so much stuff, it's stupid. I am running out of face wash, I need shampoo, we're running low on foaming hand soap (real), I need a new snorkel set and an underwater flashlight
Ryan says:
"I need a new snorkel set and an underwater flashlight"
Ryan says:
Good thing you live in America?
LinzO says:
Lobster season starts this week, mmmkkkk

This is us, not making fun of poor folk:

2009-09-14T00:00:00.001-07:00

Linz, at this point even Obama would tell you, “No you can’t”. The idea of this competition is to modify our lifestyle to try to spend less. Basically this means that while I’m stealing soap from Motel 8’s, and siphoning gasoline from cars in parking garages, you can’t be buying designer blazers. I just want to point out to all of you who voted for Linz in our Recession Poll ’09, that you can actually change your vote (this is at you Linz’s mom); unless of course you like losing.

Economists right now are pointing toward an upturn in the economy coming slowly but surely; what does this mean to the average consumer? I’m going to use the “Caps Lock” key here just to emphasize: IT MEANS JACK S**T! I actually just held down the “Shift” key whilst typing that, I lied. Do yourselves a favor and follow my spending habits, and you will experience economic freedom—at the expense of personal hygiene, fun, losing friends, girls/guys, and health.

Spending account tabulation Week 2:

Gas: $37.50

Work Lunch: $11.52 (includes tip, yes 15%!)

Sabor a México (dinner): $16.24 (again, tip included)

Week 2 Total: $65.26

Spending on gas was unavoidable; I went quite a few places this week. Work lunch, I didn’t expect to eat anything; but it was former boss’s last day, I had a bowl of chili in her honor. Dinner at the classy Sabor a México was necessary to keep what friends I have left after starting this challenge. It ended up coming right out the same way it came in about 6 hours later (see: food poisoning from shady Mexican restaurant), so I considered not counting it in the grand total. This week marks the first time I have ever ordered just water at a dining establishment, it will not become a permanent habit.

Exhibit A:

Money saving tip of the week: With rocketing inflation, it's time to resurrect the fine art of haggling. Why not go "mano a mano" with those little credit card machines in the stores? After the register has tallied your purchases and the credit card machine screen asks, "Is $231.98 okay?" don't just press the "okay" button like a sissy, make a deal! Start your counteroffer at $17.54 and test your money-saving mettle.

Oh. The. Shame.

2009-09-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

Ryan says:
Linz
Linz says:
Ry
Ryan says:
You're letting our fans down. You'd see the shameful look I'm giving you if you were here; but I'm sure you can paint a mental picture.
Linz says:
This week was shameful, I know.
Linz says:
I would have beat you with Week 1 style. But you know....I'm hoping all week your tire blows and you need to replace them all, and you're hoping this is the week I can't live without my Victorias Secret laundry detergent

Moment of Truth: Week 2 (aka I Hope Ryan Had To Bail Someone Out of Jail This Week)

2009-09-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Sooooo here we are at the end of Week 2! Wow, time flies when you're buying scratch tickets, renting textbooks, shoplifting and generally trying to survive in this Mad Maxian hellscape. (note to self: queue up "Mad Max" from Netflix. Classic.)

Recent reports have people investing again in art and stocks. However, the new census tells us something a little different, you snake oil salesmen. It tells us we won't be buying many stocks or art or anything else from "Bernd," because one in five kids under 18 live in poverty, and our median household national income has fallen to barely over $50k. That's not enough to buy Warhol's left nut, the one WITHOUT diamonds in it. We're all counting things we can't afford.

Which brings me to my Week 2 Receipt Roundup. Ryan said in a previous post that I would be offering excuses every week, and welp...he's right. The ol' chap was right. I'd like to preface this by saying my mother-in-law AND friend from Austin were in town this past week. I can't very well say "Hey I'm in this month long challenge with a friend(??) and I'm trying to wheedle my way out of paying for anything extra, so can you pay for me this week?" Hm. That sounded good actually.

Sushi lunch: $18.02 (it was Friday, I was feelin' peppy?)
Starbucks: $2.88
Gas: $20.00
Panini Cafe: $10.95
Coco's Cafe: $8.99
Aeropostle: $22.31 (Collegiate Blazer)
Whole Foods: $1.98 (2 bottled water)
Whole Foods: $32.00 (beachside picnic)

Total: $117.13

Ryan said if I want to win this thing I'm going to have to cut out coffee and sushi for the last 2 weeks to even have a chance. Interesting: I almost tripled what I spent in Week One. When I'm poor, dragging around my wordly items in my ripped paper bag, be assured I will be wearing my new blazer.

The Perils Of Shopping For A Good Deal:

Oh Hey - Are You Going To Finish That?

2009-09-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

Some of us normal people don’t have the luxury of letting three ounces of 30-cents-a-can Sam’s Club Cola go to waste, like those FAT CATS IN WASHINGTON. But now, with the new Bottle Top, your days of half-empty ant-filled cans of Coke spilling in your refrigerator and probably suffocating your baby are OVER!

A Worthy Adversary (aka Optimism Is For Stupid Idiots)

2009-09-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

Look what day it is! It's our first Weekly Receipt Roundup for Recession Challenge 09!
Well, well, well. It looks like ol' Ryan chose to become a shut in for the past 5 days, merely blowing his wad (so to speak) at a Seahawks game. Well, everybody reading (or at least all 4 of you) I refuse to become a shut-in! REFUSE. I also am addicted to caffeine, so I should probably ditch this habit, post-haste, if I am to win this thing.

Here's my receipt roundup:
Sushi Lunch: $5.95
Starbucks: $2.70
Sushi Lunch: $6.82
Sushi Lunch: $7.12
Protein Shake @ Surf City Squeeze: $4.70
Corepower Yoga (drop in class + water): $9.84
Starbucks: $2.88
Starbucks: $3.33
Starbucks: $3.10

TOTAL: $46.44

Alright so ShutIn Ryan beat me. THIS WEEK. Now starts a whole new week where clearly I'm going to have to really dig deep and forgo my awesome lattes and my sweet sweet spicy tuna rolls. Rolled every so lovingly by strong Japanese man hands, with the perfect amount of cucumb---ok you know what? I CAN DO THIS.

Opinion Roundup of the Week: "Poised to grow." Seriously, is that supposed to be encouraging? Your beard is poised to grow, Bernanke. You're rich. You'll be fine. The rest of us? Tallying receipts.

Whur muh fudstampz at?!

2009-09-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

Annnnd the moment you've all been waiting for (suck it Linz), the weekly tally. I feel like this is going to be particularly anticlimactic being that I hardly spent a thing; but I won't keep you waiting any longer:

Seahawks Tickets: $0.00
Parking at Seahawks game: $0.00
Chalk bag from Vertical World: $0.00
Gas so far: $0.00
Hot Dog at Qwest Field: $5.00
Jones Soda at Qwest Field: 4.75
Kettle Corn at Qwest Field: $5.00
TOTAL: $14.75 (for the math retarded.)

The game and parking were the gifts of loving friends, the chalk bag a gift from loving vertical world employees (that apparently hated Linz enough to help me win). The hot dog and drank at the game were necessary, I had just spent nearly 3 hours driving to Issaquah then to Seattle in the worst of Seattle traffic, and if you know me well, you know I feel like spontaneously imploding in bad traffic. Kettle corn I can't pass up, I just can't, it's like my crack. I figured I'd indulge at the game being that I'd spent literally $0.00 since the 1st of September.

Money saving tip of the week: Why are you stopping at red lights? Do you think they stop at red lights in Mexico or Libya? You bet your burro they don't. Stopping at red lights is a waste of gas. If you get in hot water with the law, you can't run (waste of gas) and you can't get arrested (waste of money), what you need to do is find a deserted spot ASAP, ditch the car and set off on foot. If the cop didn't see you ditch the car, go back the next day for it. This tip works well in conjunction with night driving.

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-04T16:22:00.000-07:00

LinzO says:
God I'm kicking ass this week
Ryan says:
4
Ryan says:
days
Ryan says:
in
Ryan says:
Don't get too excited there
LinzO says:
It's only been 4 days?

Poverty Spawn

2009-09-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

This kid's a baller--checked shirt, college sweatshirt... that outfit all but screams "I'll be getting rich(er) off the government bailout in twenty years, beeyotches!"

Musings On Day 2

2009-09-02T10:50:00.000-07:00

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper. ~ Quentin Crisp

Here are some samplings of things I wanted to get yesterday but couldn't.

*Ripley's Believe-It-Or-Not Book at Barnes & Noble (I could purchase this for "the kids", but I'd be lying, I'd get as much out of it as they would)
*100% recycled eco-friendly notebook
*New leather chair for Jake @ Staples
*Distressed vintage jacket I saw on sale for $40 (this one still bothers me I passed it up)
*New workout tanktop and pants @ yoga place

Found this interesting article while google'ing 'cheap brain surgery to alter impulsive spending': http://www.utexas.edu/features/archive/2002/consumer.html

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

LinzO says:
"I Love You, Man" is so funny
Ryan says:
Ya? I didn't hear anything about it
Ryan says:
Love Paul Rudd though
LinzO says:
It only solidifies my decade long crush on Paul Rudd
LinzO says:
EWWWW Paul Rudd jinx
Ryan says:
Weirder for me, trust

Thanks a lot BofAWFCITIJPMCHASEWAMUGS

2009-09-01T01:38:00.001-07:00

In 2009 American citizens became what the banks made them--actually it was our overspending underplanning fault, but let's keep on track here--a penny pinching, coupon using, deal hunting people who view every tank of gas as an investment, and every cell phone bill as a possible tipping point for home foreclosure.
Linz and I came up with the (noble, selfless) idea of showing just how little one can spend in a month to help out with the spending habits of the masses. For me this will include a ramp up in video game playing and becoming a shut in, also I will not be able to donate to all my favorite charities. For Linz it will include foregoing those Tiffany earrings and Manolo Blahnik shoes. Remember it's all relative to our normal lives, so this will be quite a social shock for the both of us.
This will be a no holds barred, pull out all the stops, gutter war for the prize (TBD). We'll update weekly with reasons (Ry) and excuses (Linz) for the money we spent. There is really no loser here (aside from my Asian counterpart).

Recession Challenge 2009 Rules (mini-version)

2009-09-01T01:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Ryan, (and the 2 people following this - Hi Mom!-)
I feel like I need to lay down some groundrules for our social experiment. This letter isn't to imply you're a cheater (you are) or will try and sabotage me (you will), but mostly so we know what we're doing. Pretty sure we thought this idea up at 2:12am on a random Tuesday. Rules would be good.

1) You can not go into hermit mode for the next month. I know for a fact you have friends and like to go out. Don't level up in Social Isolation in order to win.
2) No lying (don't look at me like that, you were #1 Salesman Extraordinaire - I saw the plaque)
3) This contest goes until October 1st, 2009. No ifs, ands or wheedling.
4) If I win by midnight October 1st, I...I....I get something AWESOME.
5) And if I win by midnight October 1st, you will be doing something humiliating.

Can't wait!

Friends Till The End,
LinzO

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-09-01T01:03:00.000-07:00

LinzO says:
You're polish right?
Ryan says:
Negative hehe, I speak polish, I'm 100% norwegian.
Ryan says:
Eww, the thought.
LinzO says:
See how it feels? I felt the same when you thought I was chinese (wtf?)
Ryan says:
You aren't?

Ryan: Providing your opinion for you since 2009.

2009-09-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like a good intro is akin to a grandiose entrance at a minor league hockey game; completely unnecessary and stupid unless you're royalty, which unfortunately I am. To kick the blog off I think I should state the reason, nay, the need for a blog like this which is: To provide you an opinion on everything about the world you don't understand, which according to us, is everything. You see if you're not looking through our lens to see the world, you're doing it wrong. Here come your opinions in text format for you to copy and paste to your smartphones, computers, and hopefully your brains.
It should be remembered (especially during our first social experiment) that through all the smack talking Lindsey and I are friends (more like a Dustin Hoffman Tom Cruise relationship in Rainman really) and all opinions shared, and mud slinging done is purely in jest--Unless it's a racial commentary in which I'm always being completely sincere.
You're welcome.

Your Economy Needs You To Keep Consuming

2009-09-01T00:20:00.000-07:00

The Way We Live Now: Gap-toothed. Too poor to get a falsie to complete our smile. Lawyers aren't making it. Renting textbooks. Dreaming of Lotto tickets.Statisticians are the new Hedge Fund Guys. Nine trillion dollars in debt is a lot. A lot. We're all fully invested in jewel thieving and brilliant ATM scams.
The whole image of America as a shiny land of big money, big cars, and big food on big plates is really played out and passé, at least since we can't afford those things any more.
Ryan E. and I decided that deep in a recession is a perfect time to change spending habits, as well as have a friendly (??) competition.
The premise is simple: Who can spend less in a month?
What things can we live without for a month? What's a want vs. a need? What kind of prize am I getting when I win? Are men able to curtail their spending more than women? Can an Asian beat a Norwegian (for once?)?

MSN Moment of the Day

2009-08-31T01:53:00.000-07:00

LinzO says:
Should I get something like lavendar-vanilla or spearmint for house fragrance?
Ryan says:
Don't
LinzO says:
We have these plug-in thingys that need refills
Ryan says:
ask me those questions, like ever.
Ryan says:
Mk?

You Think This Now About LinzO

2009-08-30T15:14:00.001-07:00

Oh hai there! I'm Linz. My friend Ryan and I are starting this blog to kick off an XvsY experiment starting September 1st that we like to call "Who Can Be Cheapest For A Month?" More details and a complete posting of rules to come.
Ryan is really competitive and I have no doubt he'll try to sabotage me at every corner, but he forgets I'm asian, so I know a lot of ninjas.
About me: outdoorsy, rambling talker, once was told I have "man hands", SoCal resident at the moment. I especially hate to lose, so this next month should be interesting.
And that's all you should be thinking right now.